So, maybe the relationship you have with your sponsor, your spiritual advisor, your A.A. friend OR maybe your recovering spouse/significant other is taxing - what's the strain of it all about then?
First, speaking for myself, the strains I've experienced in relationships are mostly mine, however, speaking realistically about the whole affair of relationships sometime more than one person is fighting demons.
For instance, and not limited to recovering women, there are some gals who don't know how to "take" a fellow being kind to them after experiencing many years of abuse and disloyalty. The betrayal leaves scars and suspicions.
On the other hand there are men, in recovery, who even with many "24 hours" under their belt cannot sustain an honest relationship with a gal for very long. We attempt to be honest, and are at the start however as time passes something like the "lack of discipline" rears its ugly head and we begin to look in other directions.
In both cases, even a little dishonesty leaves one or the other shaken and stirred.
The stress of relationships goes beyond the romantic type- just plain friends, companions and hombres. What may happen here?
Well, speaking from my own experience, I've not much trouble with associates, friends and companions or hombres. I do get confused at times when another persons actions don't make sense but then how else could I act?
I'm not good at "approaching" another person when something is bothering me either, then I tend to make a mountain from a molehill. When that happens I may not be realistic about what's going on. But not always BECAUSE I' m learning from my mistakes.
Romantically, oh jeez, I tend to get out of balance easily in that department and I'll leave it at that. How does that go again, oh yeah- "I keep trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results! "
Although I don't care much for labels, I think I may be an empath. I'm not sure of the origin of that description of a sensitive person but the symptoms of empath fit me like a new pair of well made shoes.
I'm going to move forward now delicately.
There are men who have girlfriends. They do admit at meetings that they don't get girlfriends, they take hostages. They laugh out loud about it. This kind of admission does however become silent when the "latest" hostage is sitting nearby but, we've watched his girlfriends come and go, come and go, come and go. You can if you want, ask your current partner just how many girlfriends he's had since he's in recovery? You may ask him if he's ever called a former girlfriend " a hostage."
Then there are friends, associates, amigo's and such. At first the contact is minimal and cordial, nothing out of the ordinary. However as time passes, a sick individual has a need to control and be reported to. This control comes in the form of conditioning in the beginning because it's suttle. "What are you doing today?" And later that same day, "What did you do today?"
Then the phone calls increase as well- sometimes I wish God would damn cell phones. At first one call a day then two. Then the "you can call me anytime" utterance. Now, because you may have agreed to "call anytime" when you don't call "anytime" , you can rest assure that if 2 or 3 hours go by you will receive call. "I haven't heard from you" you're told. Because you weren't asked "are you busy" AND you engaged in a conversation you've given your unspoken permission to receive these calls AND receive them you will. Because you get caught OFF guard by this "I haven't heard from you in a few hours" you won't protest the intrusion and suggestion that you've done something wrong AND because this happens a few times you will be in short order conditioned to call first before 2 or three hours goes by and REPORT IN. This starts the uneasy, painful and relentless attempt to please, please and please the other person.
My spiritual advisor tells me this " you will be unhappy in a friendship and stay that way as long as the other person is happy." A sponsees wife says "that's people pleazin " and they're right.
So, I'm learning and growth comes with pain. I'd rather be free and have some pain than to be a hostage full of pain. I'll be by myself rather than to confuse or mislead a girlfriend because I get immature.
Nope, it's nothing to laugh about this taking hostage thing!
Peace, Love and Respect, the tat2guru.
First, speaking for myself, the strains I've experienced in relationships are mostly mine, however, speaking realistically about the whole affair of relationships sometime more than one person is fighting demons.
For instance, and not limited to recovering women, there are some gals who don't know how to "take" a fellow being kind to them after experiencing many years of abuse and disloyalty. The betrayal leaves scars and suspicions.
On the other hand there are men, in recovery, who even with many "24 hours" under their belt cannot sustain an honest relationship with a gal for very long. We attempt to be honest, and are at the start however as time passes something like the "lack of discipline" rears its ugly head and we begin to look in other directions.
In both cases, even a little dishonesty leaves one or the other shaken and stirred.
The stress of relationships goes beyond the romantic type- just plain friends, companions and hombres. What may happen here?
Well, speaking from my own experience, I've not much trouble with associates, friends and companions or hombres. I do get confused at times when another persons actions don't make sense but then how else could I act?
I'm not good at "approaching" another person when something is bothering me either, then I tend to make a mountain from a molehill. When that happens I may not be realistic about what's going on. But not always BECAUSE I' m learning from my mistakes.
Romantically, oh jeez, I tend to get out of balance easily in that department and I'll leave it at that. How does that go again, oh yeah- "I keep trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results! "
Although I don't care much for labels, I think I may be an empath. I'm not sure of the origin of that description of a sensitive person but the symptoms of empath fit me like a new pair of well made shoes.
I'm going to move forward now delicately.
There are men who have girlfriends. They do admit at meetings that they don't get girlfriends, they take hostages. They laugh out loud about it. This kind of admission does however become silent when the "latest" hostage is sitting nearby but, we've watched his girlfriends come and go, come and go, come and go. You can if you want, ask your current partner just how many girlfriends he's had since he's in recovery? You may ask him if he's ever called a former girlfriend " a hostage."
Then there are friends, associates, amigo's and such. At first the contact is minimal and cordial, nothing out of the ordinary. However as time passes, a sick individual has a need to control and be reported to. This control comes in the form of conditioning in the beginning because it's suttle. "What are you doing today?" And later that same day, "What did you do today?"
Then the phone calls increase as well- sometimes I wish God would damn cell phones. At first one call a day then two. Then the "you can call me anytime" utterance. Now, because you may have agreed to "call anytime" when you don't call "anytime" , you can rest assure that if 2 or 3 hours go by you will receive call. "I haven't heard from you" you're told. Because you weren't asked "are you busy" AND you engaged in a conversation you've given your unspoken permission to receive these calls AND receive them you will. Because you get caught OFF guard by this "I haven't heard from you in a few hours" you won't protest the intrusion and suggestion that you've done something wrong AND because this happens a few times you will be in short order conditioned to call first before 2 or three hours goes by and REPORT IN. This starts the uneasy, painful and relentless attempt to please, please and please the other person.
My spiritual advisor tells me this " you will be unhappy in a friendship and stay that way as long as the other person is happy." A sponsees wife says "that's people pleazin " and they're right.
So, I'm learning and growth comes with pain. I'd rather be free and have some pain than to be a hostage full of pain. I'll be by myself rather than to confuse or mislead a girlfriend because I get immature.
Nope, it's nothing to laugh about this taking hostage thing!
Peace, Love and Respect, the tat2guru.
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