The burden of proof must be laid to the one with a lack of evidence . . .
Not the one with the most uncomfortable, yet undeniable, truth.
Not the one with the most uncomfortable, yet undeniable, truth.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Uses Promptos Facit ! (Practice makes Perfect)
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT - 'The more you practice, the better your skills are. The proverb has been traced back to the 1550s-1560s, when its form was 'Use makes perfect.' The Latin version is: 'Uses promptos facit.' First attested in the United States in 'Diary and Autobiography of John Adams' ." From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings" by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996).
Let's think about practicing the 12 Steps- ah, perfectly. Impossible? Maybe not!
On page 68 of the A.A. book The 12 and 12 we read "Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol , can be practiced with absolute perfection. The remaining eleven Steps state perfect ideals."
What is an ideal? ( If you know me or of me, I won't use modern dictionary definitions when it comes to especially A.A. inquiries. I will get as close to the time frame when the subject matter was written. I found the Thorndike Barnhardt Comprehensive Desk Dictionary from 1951 most helpful.)
Ideal- perfect type; model to be imitated; what one would wish to be. Exhisting only in thought. (nuff said).
So, we admit, based on data we collect after being sober a few weeks that alcohol is to be reproached. We disapprove of the use of alcohol because we understand it to be at the core of our many problems. We can blame alcohol (yes I said that- blame) as well for our woes, the unmanageability. When I BLAME alcohol, by definition I am finding FAULT with it.
Don't take the first drink and you won't get drunk. To understand better the definition of an alcoholic I suggest you purchase the book Alcoholics Anonymous also known as the Big Book and read the first 4 Chapters at least.
What are the founders of the A.A. program, the Twelve Steps saying about Step One being the only Step we can practice with absolute perfection?
AND if ideals are a "perfect type of thought, what we wish" then why can't we practice the remaining eleven Steps prefectly?
We need to define practice now-
Practice- action done many times over for skill; skill gained by experience or excercise; action or process of doing or being something. (nuff said).
Bear with me now as we trek this maze. I have said (yes I do get my own ideas) that A.A. gives the phrase "one step forward, two steps back" a NEW meaning. We come to realize that each step prepares us for the next step AND as we move forward on the steps we GAIN a better understanding of the previous steps. Going forward takes us backwards.
When we think about practicing Step One with absolute perfection, we need to include understanding Step One perfectly requires moving forward. To understand just how dangerous drinking is we follow the suggested Steps requiring we put down, on paper, OUR WHOLE LIFE STORY. ( Big Book page 73). As we move forward we see backward.
If the remaining eleven Steps are perfect ideals, by practicing them (action done many times over for skill; skill gained by experience or excercise; action or process of doing or being something) are we not "making perfect" as in "practice makes perfect?"
When we are LOYAL (faithful) to Step One, we make that admission about the danger of alcohol (to the alcoholic, don't take that first drink thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion) and our understanding that that obligation met leads to a "managable" life.
But how to continue that managiblity?
We know that admitting we have a problem and staying sober for a brief period is just a beginning. Yes, we are happy that we "found a home" in Alcoholics Anonymous but those who have been on this journey for quite some time remind us it is just that- a beginning. To sustain the managability there are some suggestions we should consider following. Dr. Silkworth, a contributor to A.A. principles said "we need follow a few simple rules"- trust God, clean house and help others.
When I "do the math" (Steps 2 through 12) I get the solution to the problem-I am powerlessnes over alcohol and its continued use makes my life unmanagable. That's the solution. Alcohol is a problem.
But wait, we will read in the Basic Text of A.A. that bottles were only a symbol, our problems were of our own making. (page 103, 4th edition)
This is simple to explain.
First of all HOW we drank was alcoholically. For me, once I start I can't stop easily even if I sincerely want to. This MAY go on for days, weeks, and months.
Second, WHY I drank becomes clear to me as I study the A.A. Books, The Big Book and The Twelve Steps and Twelve traditions and APPLY, practice, imitate and wish the Twelve Steps into my life! (refer back to the definitions of ideals and practice above). Consider my experience, strength and hope AND that of thousands of others as well.
This is the HOW and WHY of alcohol and its effect on the alcoholic.
Another term I use (yes it's my own but share it) is "on any given day I am one of two things. I am either humble or I am about to be humbled."
I remain humble as far as not taking a drink goes.
I become humble as far as a managable life is concerned as THE day passes and circumstances present themselves. How I act and re-act.
So I have come to a conclusion that my "posture " ( the way I hold myself) is always- no alcohol knowing where a few drinks will lead me. Step One.
The "approach" I take toward each day is based upon how well I know myself and what led me to that knowing. Steps Two through Twelve.
The "posture" can be perfect, the "approach" can at times be flawed.
HOWEVER, we understand that our approach is the result of our posture and our posture is the result of our approach.
Sounds perfect.
Thank you, John B. "the tat2guru"
Let's think about practicing the 12 Steps- ah, perfectly. Impossible? Maybe not!
On page 68 of the A.A. book The 12 and 12 we read "Only Step One, where we made the 100 percent admission we were powerless over alcohol , can be practiced with absolute perfection. The remaining eleven Steps state perfect ideals."
What is an ideal? ( If you know me or of me, I won't use modern dictionary definitions when it comes to especially A.A. inquiries. I will get as close to the time frame when the subject matter was written. I found the Thorndike Barnhardt Comprehensive Desk Dictionary from 1951 most helpful.)
Ideal- perfect type; model to be imitated; what one would wish to be. Exhisting only in thought. (nuff said).
So, we admit, based on data we collect after being sober a few weeks that alcohol is to be reproached. We disapprove of the use of alcohol because we understand it to be at the core of our many problems. We can blame alcohol (yes I said that- blame) as well for our woes, the unmanageability. When I BLAME alcohol, by definition I am finding FAULT with it.
Don't take the first drink and you won't get drunk. To understand better the definition of an alcoholic I suggest you purchase the book Alcoholics Anonymous also known as the Big Book and read the first 4 Chapters at least.
What are the founders of the A.A. program, the Twelve Steps saying about Step One being the only Step we can practice with absolute perfection?
AND if ideals are a "perfect type of thought, what we wish" then why can't we practice the remaining eleven Steps prefectly?
We need to define practice now-
Practice- action done many times over for skill; skill gained by experience or excercise; action or process of doing or being something. (nuff said).
Bear with me now as we trek this maze. I have said (yes I do get my own ideas) that A.A. gives the phrase "one step forward, two steps back" a NEW meaning. We come to realize that each step prepares us for the next step AND as we move forward on the steps we GAIN a better understanding of the previous steps. Going forward takes us backwards.
When we think about practicing Step One with absolute perfection, we need to include understanding Step One perfectly requires moving forward. To understand just how dangerous drinking is we follow the suggested Steps requiring we put down, on paper, OUR WHOLE LIFE STORY. ( Big Book page 73). As we move forward we see backward.
If the remaining eleven Steps are perfect ideals, by practicing them (action done many times over for skill; skill gained by experience or excercise; action or process of doing or being something) are we not "making perfect" as in "practice makes perfect?"
When we are LOYAL (faithful) to Step One, we make that admission about the danger of alcohol (to the alcoholic, don't take that first drink thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion) and our understanding that that obligation met leads to a "managable" life.
But how to continue that managiblity?
We know that admitting we have a problem and staying sober for a brief period is just a beginning. Yes, we are happy that we "found a home" in Alcoholics Anonymous but those who have been on this journey for quite some time remind us it is just that- a beginning. To sustain the managability there are some suggestions we should consider following. Dr. Silkworth, a contributor to A.A. principles said "we need follow a few simple rules"- trust God, clean house and help others.
When I "do the math" (Steps 2 through 12) I get the solution to the problem-I am powerlessnes over alcohol and its continued use makes my life unmanagable. That's the solution. Alcohol is a problem.
But wait, we will read in the Basic Text of A.A. that bottles were only a symbol, our problems were of our own making. (page 103, 4th edition)
This is simple to explain.
First of all HOW we drank was alcoholically. For me, once I start I can't stop easily even if I sincerely want to. This MAY go on for days, weeks, and months.
Second, WHY I drank becomes clear to me as I study the A.A. Books, The Big Book and The Twelve Steps and Twelve traditions and APPLY, practice, imitate and wish the Twelve Steps into my life! (refer back to the definitions of ideals and practice above). Consider my experience, strength and hope AND that of thousands of others as well.
This is the HOW and WHY of alcohol and its effect on the alcoholic.
Another term I use (yes it's my own but share it) is "on any given day I am one of two things. I am either humble or I am about to be humbled."
I remain humble as far as not taking a drink goes.
I become humble as far as a managable life is concerned as THE day passes and circumstances present themselves. How I act and re-act.
So I have come to a conclusion that my "posture " ( the way I hold myself) is always- no alcohol knowing where a few drinks will lead me. Step One.
The "approach" I take toward each day is based upon how well I know myself and what led me to that knowing. Steps Two through Twelve.
The "posture" can be perfect, the "approach" can at times be flawed.
HOWEVER, we understand that our approach is the result of our posture and our posture is the result of our approach.
Sounds perfect.
Thank you, John B. "the tat2guru"
Thursday, February 24, 2011
spirituality- what is it?
Last year while camping, I read a book (out there it takes maybe 3 days) called "New Wine in Old Skins" which is about the origin of A.A.
A woman mentioned in the foreword that "A.A. people use the term spirituality quite a bit yet they really can't describe what spirituality is."
She said that for the most part we have an idea what it isn't.
So, after reading the book I was left with this impression I received from the foreward about the spirituality question raised by that woman. There are times when after reading a book, only ONE thing in it catches my attention, in that case I will meditate on the ONE thing.
So when I go camping at Locust Lake I consider myself on a spiritual retreat. AND it always is. I also invite recovery friends over to share the site as I am allowed to have 5 more people as "stay overs" if I wish.
Anyway, so I was meditating on this question and a thought:
What is spirituality?
What spirituality isn't.
I came to a conclusion that it isn't true that A.A. can't describe spirituality but that each person has, probably based on their own experience and spiritual maturity, their own definition.
Second, I agreed with myself that there is more of an impact upon the listener who is interested in spirituality if we explain to them what spirituality ISN'T. This is important to me because it doesn't allow for any one person to project "their" brand of spirituality upon another. My way of spirituality or the highway. ( leave the ego's out of it)
And third, as a recovering person who has had a drastic change of personality toward my fellow man and life itself, as a person with a conscience, as someone who will be honest because honesty counts, I CAN say without a doubt, that there are fellow travellers in recovery who, when practicing the 12 Steps, the 12 Spiritual Principles, these friends would agree with me that WE have a definition for spirituality and that definition is AWARENESS.
So let's seperate the "talkers" from the "walkers" with some details about awareness. O.K.?
My motives when OBSERVING the world around me must be good, close to pure. Ego and self-centeredness have no place in the spirtual realm. On the other hand, IF you are an egotistical, self-centered person when you are among let's call them "mature spiritual" people- you will stand out and not for good reasons.
Picture in your mind a rolling stream and in the middle of that stream a huge rock. The water "smashes" against the rock as it makes its course. That rock is you AND as time passes the water will wear you down and smooth you out- it's inevitable, sure and certain to happen.
You can't pretend to be spiritual.
Anyway, speaking for myself, the maintenance of my spiritual condition is a 24 hour activity.
If you watched videos I posted from Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev he says "yoga isn't about twisting the body into all sorts of positions" and he's right. It's meditation, prayer and self-examination.
So I am an observer, that's how I learn. I learn what to do and what not to do. I also observe and can meditate on something that deosn't make sense to me at the time, maybe I will seek some guidance from my spiritual advisor as well. As I have the gift of discernment I am also able to 'dismiss' things right away as non-essential or counter productive to moving forward in the spiritual realm.
ALL this is possible if, as we say "I am right sized".
Because when I'm not right sized, when I start the day by just "shooting up a prayer" and nothing else, when I start my day with leftover baggage from yesterday, when I start my day knowing I was dishonest and hurtful, when I don't take time as the founders did with ONE HOUR of prayer, meditation and self-examination, when I start my day with A BIG LIE I am doomed to failure.
This goes to the core of what I was implying earlier about being an observer with good, pure motives.
If you are an observer with bad, unpure motives you will destroy your fellows diginity and make up lies for why you "had' to do it.
YOU don't see that "we" see what you are doing so, as the rock in the middle of the stream we will continue to smash against you until you get smoothed out. AND if at this point in your spiritual walk, this day, right now, if you're feeling WORN DOWN then maybe you need to simply surrender your ego and self-centeredness and go with the flow of the stream.
WATER BEATS ROCK !
Awareness, observing, concluding then acting upon what you need to be, to be of maximum service as the Big Book says.
A little note about what you call taking someone elses inventory.
A genuine spiritual person, a mature person won't collect data on another person and use it against them.
A genuine spiritual person, a mature person won't say "I'm not taking anyone's inventory, I'm not really, I'm just trying to help them."
A genuine spiritual person, a mature person won't engage in a long negative conversation about another and then finish the talk with "well, God bless him" as if that makes the trash talk O.K.
A woman mentioned in the foreword that "A.A. people use the term spirituality quite a bit yet they really can't describe what spirituality is."
She said that for the most part we have an idea what it isn't.
So, after reading the book I was left with this impression I received from the foreward about the spirituality question raised by that woman. There are times when after reading a book, only ONE thing in it catches my attention, in that case I will meditate on the ONE thing.
So when I go camping at Locust Lake I consider myself on a spiritual retreat. AND it always is. I also invite recovery friends over to share the site as I am allowed to have 5 more people as "stay overs" if I wish.
Anyway, so I was meditating on this question and a thought:
What is spirituality?
What spirituality isn't.
I came to a conclusion that it isn't true that A.A. can't describe spirituality but that each person has, probably based on their own experience and spiritual maturity, their own definition.
Second, I agreed with myself that there is more of an impact upon the listener who is interested in spirituality if we explain to them what spirituality ISN'T. This is important to me because it doesn't allow for any one person to project "their" brand of spirituality upon another. My way of spirituality or the highway. ( leave the ego's out of it)
And third, as a recovering person who has had a drastic change of personality toward my fellow man and life itself, as a person with a conscience, as someone who will be honest because honesty counts, I CAN say without a doubt, that there are fellow travellers in recovery who, when practicing the 12 Steps, the 12 Spiritual Principles, these friends would agree with me that WE have a definition for spirituality and that definition is AWARENESS.
So let's seperate the "talkers" from the "walkers" with some details about awareness. O.K.?
My motives when OBSERVING the world around me must be good, close to pure. Ego and self-centeredness have no place in the spirtual realm. On the other hand, IF you are an egotistical, self-centered person when you are among let's call them "mature spiritual" people- you will stand out and not for good reasons.
Picture in your mind a rolling stream and in the middle of that stream a huge rock. The water "smashes" against the rock as it makes its course. That rock is you AND as time passes the water will wear you down and smooth you out- it's inevitable, sure and certain to happen.
You can't pretend to be spiritual.
Anyway, speaking for myself, the maintenance of my spiritual condition is a 24 hour activity.
If you watched videos I posted from Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev he says "yoga isn't about twisting the body into all sorts of positions" and he's right. It's meditation, prayer and self-examination.
So I am an observer, that's how I learn. I learn what to do and what not to do. I also observe and can meditate on something that deosn't make sense to me at the time, maybe I will seek some guidance from my spiritual advisor as well. As I have the gift of discernment I am also able to 'dismiss' things right away as non-essential or counter productive to moving forward in the spiritual realm.
ALL this is possible if, as we say "I am right sized".
Because when I'm not right sized, when I start the day by just "shooting up a prayer" and nothing else, when I start my day with leftover baggage from yesterday, when I start my day knowing I was dishonest and hurtful, when I don't take time as the founders did with ONE HOUR of prayer, meditation and self-examination, when I start my day with A BIG LIE I am doomed to failure.
This goes to the core of what I was implying earlier about being an observer with good, pure motives.
If you are an observer with bad, unpure motives you will destroy your fellows diginity and make up lies for why you "had' to do it.
YOU don't see that "we" see what you are doing so, as the rock in the middle of the stream we will continue to smash against you until you get smoothed out. AND if at this point in your spiritual walk, this day, right now, if you're feeling WORN DOWN then maybe you need to simply surrender your ego and self-centeredness and go with the flow of the stream.
WATER BEATS ROCK !
Awareness, observing, concluding then acting upon what you need to be, to be of maximum service as the Big Book says.
A little note about what you call taking someone elses inventory.
A genuine spiritual person, a mature person won't collect data on another person and use it against them.
A genuine spiritual person, a mature person won't say "I'm not taking anyone's inventory, I'm not really, I'm just trying to help them."
A genuine spiritual person, a mature person won't engage in a long negative conversation about another and then finish the talk with "well, God bless him" as if that makes the trash talk O.K.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I wanna be me
I want to be me, who doesn't?
Who is me? What will become of me? Why am I me?
These are a few serious questions, things to ponder, subjects to meditate upon AND yet many don't care about themselves, the me, the I, where did I come from or where am I going.
One major concern that has become known as a block to spiritual growth, to spiritual liberation is self-centeredness, the ego. AND yet history tells us that we cannot totally get rid of, do away with, annialate the ego. Some of us are familiar with the term
"ego-deflation" and that is all we are about ego- familiar with it.
I am fascinated by a term used in the movie "What The Bleep Do We Know?' It goes this way " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?"
Well, have you? (I know, it's pretty deep but it's not bullshit either)
I've been in contact with an editor in California about writing a book. Basically I would like to share my experience, strength and hope as I know it, from my experience in A.A. to the expansion of my being from studying and practicing other walks of Faith, cultures and spiritual paths. I said my experience, strength and hope as I know it because I can see myself through the eyes of the person I've become. This (Quantum Physics/Mechanics) isn't easy to explain and were I try to explain it to you I would only lose myself.
This brings up a good point, do you explain yourself to people OR do you, when explaining, try to convince others of your opinion, your view? Do you offer information and let others decide? Are you adiment what you say is truth, the only truth?
You may not believe this, there is quite a bit of Quantum Physics/Mechanics woven into the A.A. books. One quick example- "The prosaic steel girder is a mass of electrons whirling around each other at incredible speed" Big Book pages 48 and 49. Of course, I wasn't enlightened until I watched the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know" and then, I had a better understanding of Science and Spirituality.
The founders of A.A. were brilliant in their approach to answer the riddle of alcoholism and the spirituality remedy is quite mystifying for those truelly open minded. A quick example- "the Fourth Dimension of exhistence" is mentioned on pages 8 and 25 of the Big Book. Do you just read it and never ask what is the fourth dimension of exhistence? Maybe you don't think it matters much.
"I was the recipient of a tremendous mystical experience" Bill Wilson wrote in a letter that was published in the A.A. Grapevine july 1962. Out of that experience, even though he had to get confirmation from Dr. Silkworth about his "mental status" following the illuminating experience of ENERGY, Bill Wilson was able to see himself through the eyes of the person he had become. That's mystical, that's a quantum theory.
Of course, Bill W. wasn't perfect and neither am I BUT I can learn from others mistakes. (so much for ' i ' before ' e ' except after ' c '- the word neither)
POINT of INTEREST. We hear it said around the rooms that when a person is speaking and that person says "BUT" - everything said after "but" is bullshit. DON'T believe that. The word but is used daily in many conversations by genuine folk as much as any other. The word means;
1. On the other hand
2. yet
3. anyway
4. except that
5. unless
6. other than
7. otherwise
Of course many will declare that they have had spiritual experiences (they just quote stuff like that from the book really) but their actions don't show much of a profound change of personality, or heart. I'm not talking about mistakes and little goof ups here and there- I'm talking about downright, self-centered, abnoxious, unacceptable behavior!
If we have truelly had that "mystical" experience Bill Wilson talked about, we can proclaim, as the result of our transformation (transformation is different from change) that we have had a "deep and effective Spiritual Experience that has revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe." (Big book page 25) The dilemma the founders dealt with was the fact that not all members were having the "light flash" of transformation that Bill W. had.
AND, so the idea, the concept was adopted from the book "Varieties of Religous Experience" by William James - spiritual awakening, the educational variety. (see appendix B in the back of the Big Book)
I am able to ask myself now, "how deep and effective is a spiritual awakening when it's the educational variety?" AND "could that awakening wear off depending on the maintenance of my spiritual condition?" AND "what danger lurks around the corner for one who "thinks" they are safe and secure because of an imagined transformation that has no creditable foundation except in "their" mind?"
This brings me to the term I have repeated here several times " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?"
I believe that no spiritual entity ( something that has a real and seperate exhistence either actually or in the mind), no form of spiritual energy (human) could feel comfortable doing something destructive to itself and others. I believe that someone who has been transformed deeply and effectively does not resemble his or her former self.
I'm not talking about dressing differently, shaving the face, talking a "good" talk- these are the types of things we can train animals to do but at the end of the day- they are still animals. This is a superficial portrayal and that's all it is is change, it is not transformation.
When I think about going through, practicing, working and applying the 12 Spiritual Principles of A.A.- the Steps, I think of change and transformation. Continued practicing of these pirinciples does bring about transformation. However, occassional practice of the 12 Spiritual Principles only results in occassional change.
Remember what I asked " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?" Well, can you see yourself now?
I had a great sponsor ( may his soul rest in peace) who answered every question I had to the best of his ability because he (Mike McHugh) knew that in order to truelly understand something, someone had to explain it.
When Mike explained something to me, usually it evolved from a discussion I would bring to him about a problem in my life. He was exacting the REAL meaning to me of humility which is described on page 58 of the 12 and 12 A.A. Book. ( " To those who made progress in A.A., it (humility) amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be."
This definition of humility from page 58 walks side by side with the term " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become" as it is found on the DVD What The Bleep Do We Know? The term from page 58 is simply this;
" I look at who I am and where I'm at AND LOOK TO SEE WHAT I COULD BECOME."
(We do become what we've seen through practicing the 12 Steps and having that transformation then we are able to look back and see what we were)
In the A.A. literature we are told "after all, no man can build a house until he first envisions a plan for it." (12&12 p.100, Step Eleven)
The A.A. program isn't meant to be skimmed over, I believe. We are given clue after to clue about how to expand and produce and effect. People,places and things mentioned in the books are;
Jesus
William James
Carl Jung
The Good Samaritan
Just to name a few and there's good reason a writer presents that information to the reader AND any good teacher will never give the student ALL the answers- we must do some research ourselves.
In closing I want to remind you this from a passage in the book As Bill Sees It (page 45);
"Today, the vast majority of us welcome any new light that can be thrown on the alcoholic's mysterious and baffling malady. We welcome new and valuable knowledge wether it issues from a test tube, from a psychiatrist's couch, or from revealing social studies."
"can you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?"
Peace, Love and Respect. Tat2guru
Who is me? What will become of me? Why am I me?
These are a few serious questions, things to ponder, subjects to meditate upon AND yet many don't care about themselves, the me, the I, where did I come from or where am I going.
One major concern that has become known as a block to spiritual growth, to spiritual liberation is self-centeredness, the ego. AND yet history tells us that we cannot totally get rid of, do away with, annialate the ego. Some of us are familiar with the term
"ego-deflation" and that is all we are about ego- familiar with it.
I am fascinated by a term used in the movie "What The Bleep Do We Know?' It goes this way " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?"
Well, have you? (I know, it's pretty deep but it's not bullshit either)
I've been in contact with an editor in California about writing a book. Basically I would like to share my experience, strength and hope as I know it, from my experience in A.A. to the expansion of my being from studying and practicing other walks of Faith, cultures and spiritual paths. I said my experience, strength and hope as I know it because I can see myself through the eyes of the person I've become. This (Quantum Physics/Mechanics) isn't easy to explain and were I try to explain it to you I would only lose myself.
This brings up a good point, do you explain yourself to people OR do you, when explaining, try to convince others of your opinion, your view? Do you offer information and let others decide? Are you adiment what you say is truth, the only truth?
You may not believe this, there is quite a bit of Quantum Physics/Mechanics woven into the A.A. books. One quick example- "The prosaic steel girder is a mass of electrons whirling around each other at incredible speed" Big Book pages 48 and 49. Of course, I wasn't enlightened until I watched the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know" and then, I had a better understanding of Science and Spirituality.
The founders of A.A. were brilliant in their approach to answer the riddle of alcoholism and the spirituality remedy is quite mystifying for those truelly open minded. A quick example- "the Fourth Dimension of exhistence" is mentioned on pages 8 and 25 of the Big Book. Do you just read it and never ask what is the fourth dimension of exhistence? Maybe you don't think it matters much.
"I was the recipient of a tremendous mystical experience" Bill Wilson wrote in a letter that was published in the A.A. Grapevine july 1962. Out of that experience, even though he had to get confirmation from Dr. Silkworth about his "mental status" following the illuminating experience of ENERGY, Bill Wilson was able to see himself through the eyes of the person he had become. That's mystical, that's a quantum theory.
Of course, Bill W. wasn't perfect and neither am I BUT I can learn from others mistakes. (so much for ' i ' before ' e ' except after ' c '- the word neither)
POINT of INTEREST. We hear it said around the rooms that when a person is speaking and that person says "BUT" - everything said after "but" is bullshit. DON'T believe that. The word but is used daily in many conversations by genuine folk as much as any other. The word means;
1. On the other hand
2. yet
3. anyway
4. except that
5. unless
6. other than
7. otherwise
Of course many will declare that they have had spiritual experiences (they just quote stuff like that from the book really) but their actions don't show much of a profound change of personality, or heart. I'm not talking about mistakes and little goof ups here and there- I'm talking about downright, self-centered, abnoxious, unacceptable behavior!
If we have truelly had that "mystical" experience Bill Wilson talked about, we can proclaim, as the result of our transformation (transformation is different from change) that we have had a "deep and effective Spiritual Experience that has revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe." (Big book page 25) The dilemma the founders dealt with was the fact that not all members were having the "light flash" of transformation that Bill W. had.
AND, so the idea, the concept was adopted from the book "Varieties of Religous Experience" by William James - spiritual awakening, the educational variety. (see appendix B in the back of the Big Book)
I am able to ask myself now, "how deep and effective is a spiritual awakening when it's the educational variety?" AND "could that awakening wear off depending on the maintenance of my spiritual condition?" AND "what danger lurks around the corner for one who "thinks" they are safe and secure because of an imagined transformation that has no creditable foundation except in "their" mind?"
This brings me to the term I have repeated here several times " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?"
I believe that no spiritual entity ( something that has a real and seperate exhistence either actually or in the mind), no form of spiritual energy (human) could feel comfortable doing something destructive to itself and others. I believe that someone who has been transformed deeply and effectively does not resemble his or her former self.
I'm not talking about dressing differently, shaving the face, talking a "good" talk- these are the types of things we can train animals to do but at the end of the day- they are still animals. This is a superficial portrayal and that's all it is is change, it is not transformation.
When I think about going through, practicing, working and applying the 12 Spiritual Principles of A.A.- the Steps, I think of change and transformation. Continued practicing of these pirinciples does bring about transformation. However, occassional practice of the 12 Spiritual Principles only results in occassional change.
Remember what I asked " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?" Well, can you see yourself now?
I had a great sponsor ( may his soul rest in peace) who answered every question I had to the best of his ability because he (Mike McHugh) knew that in order to truelly understand something, someone had to explain it.
When Mike explained something to me, usually it evolved from a discussion I would bring to him about a problem in my life. He was exacting the REAL meaning to me of humility which is described on page 58 of the 12 and 12 A.A. Book. ( " To those who made progress in A.A., it (humility) amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be."
This definition of humility from page 58 walks side by side with the term " have you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become" as it is found on the DVD What The Bleep Do We Know? The term from page 58 is simply this;
" I look at who I am and where I'm at AND LOOK TO SEE WHAT I COULD BECOME."
(We do become what we've seen through practicing the 12 Steps and having that transformation then we are able to look back and see what we were)
In the A.A. literature we are told "after all, no man can build a house until he first envisions a plan for it." (12&12 p.100, Step Eleven)
The A.A. program isn't meant to be skimmed over, I believe. We are given clue after to clue about how to expand and produce and effect. People,places and things mentioned in the books are;
Jesus
William James
Carl Jung
The Good Samaritan
Just to name a few and there's good reason a writer presents that information to the reader AND any good teacher will never give the student ALL the answers- we must do some research ourselves.
In closing I want to remind you this from a passage in the book As Bill Sees It (page 45);
"Today, the vast majority of us welcome any new light that can be thrown on the alcoholic's mysterious and baffling malady. We welcome new and valuable knowledge wether it issues from a test tube, from a psychiatrist's couch, or from revealing social studies."
"can you seen yourself through the eyes of the person you've become?"
Peace, Love and Respect. Tat2guru
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I'm only an arms length away from a drink. SO WHAT?
Brian H. my spiritual advisor made a comment about this the other day reflecting my thoughts from a previous conversation that "technically" we are never an arms length away from a drink. Let's take a look at this.
O.K. so we've all heard this phrase at a meeting "you're only an arms length away from a drink" AND I want to ask now "just what the hell is your point in saying that?"
First let's imagine that we find ourselves an arms length away from a stick of dynamite, what is going to happen or what could happen?
Second, so what if say we are at a wedding, we turn around to say hello to a person who has just tapped us on the shoulder. When we twist back to the original position sitting and facing the table we notice a drink that wasn't there before. Maybe it's in front of us or maybe it's the proverbial "arms length away" - now what?
The DANGER behind that statement "you're only an arms length away from a drink " is that if or when we find ourselves in that situation- we're going to drink. It's not that cut and dried AND why go to the extreme consequence.
Most opinons given in A.A. are usually about the most drastic and devistating results that could occur.
So what if I'm an arms length away from a drink, are you implying, insinuating or even predicting that when I find myself in that situation I'm going to drink it?
Let's look at some events that occur as we go, walk through or work the steps;
1. The foreward of the 12 and 12 (A.A. Book) tells us this "the twelve steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expell the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole."
2. 4th Step, Big Book about resentments- For when we harbor such feelings we shut ourselves of from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again."
3. Page 75, 4th editon Big Book- "The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly." (5th step)
4, 5th Step, Big Book- " if we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking." (page 72)
5. Step 7, 12 and 12- "we reluctantly come to grips with those serious character flaws that made problem drinkers of us in the first place, flaws which must be dealt with to prevent a retreat into alcoholism once again." (step 7)
6. Step 9, Big book- "Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past." (page 77)
So, if we maintain our spiritual condition as we are reminded in Step 10 of the Big Book we have what is called a "daily reprieve" from alcohol. AND ON PAGE 85 THE FOUNDERS LEFT US WITH SOME VERY ENCOURAGING WORDS ABOUT CARRYING THE VISION OF GOD INTO OUR DAILY LIVES.
Of course we can't forget what we ask for when we start the day with the 11th Step- "WE ASK GOD TO DIRECT OUR THINKING" and "we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use." AND "NEVERTHELESS, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of
inspiration." (pages 86 & 87)
Appendix B "Spiritual Experience (Step 12) reminds us of the " personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism."
The Steps I quoted from above tell us of the dangers of not practicing them but also of rewards and promises of applying them. We can also consider the promises of Step 9 on page 83 and 84 of the Big Book.
So it isn't "being" an arms length away from a drink that is the REAL concern, it's our state of mind, our spiritual condition- are you on good spiritual ground?
Here are a few other reasons why we're never truelly an arms length away from a drink.
I'm not an arms length away from a drink, I'm-
12 steps away from a drink
I'm a call to my sponsor away from a drink.
I'm a meeting away from a drink.
I'm a rehab away from a drink.
I'm a prayer away from a drink.
I'm a slogan away from a drink.
I'm a call to the hotline away from a drink.
I'm a call on the phone list away from a drink.
O.K. so we've all heard this phrase at a meeting "you're only an arms length away from a drink" AND I want to ask now "just what the hell is your point in saying that?"
First let's imagine that we find ourselves an arms length away from a stick of dynamite, what is going to happen or what could happen?
Second, so what if say we are at a wedding, we turn around to say hello to a person who has just tapped us on the shoulder. When we twist back to the original position sitting and facing the table we notice a drink that wasn't there before. Maybe it's in front of us or maybe it's the proverbial "arms length away" - now what?
The DANGER behind that statement "you're only an arms length away from a drink " is that if or when we find ourselves in that situation- we're going to drink. It's not that cut and dried AND why go to the extreme consequence.
Most opinons given in A.A. are usually about the most drastic and devistating results that could occur.
So what if I'm an arms length away from a drink, are you implying, insinuating or even predicting that when I find myself in that situation I'm going to drink it?
Let's look at some events that occur as we go, walk through or work the steps;
1. The foreward of the 12 and 12 (A.A. Book) tells us this "the twelve steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expell the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole."
2. 4th Step, Big Book about resentments- For when we harbor such feelings we shut ourselves of from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again."
3. Page 75, 4th editon Big Book- "The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly." (5th step)
4, 5th Step, Big Book- " if we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking." (page 72)
5. Step 7, 12 and 12- "we reluctantly come to grips with those serious character flaws that made problem drinkers of us in the first place, flaws which must be dealt with to prevent a retreat into alcoholism once again." (step 7)
6. Step 9, Big book- "Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past." (page 77)
So, if we maintain our spiritual condition as we are reminded in Step 10 of the Big Book we have what is called a "daily reprieve" from alcohol. AND ON PAGE 85 THE FOUNDERS LEFT US WITH SOME VERY ENCOURAGING WORDS ABOUT CARRYING THE VISION OF GOD INTO OUR DAILY LIVES.
Of course we can't forget what we ask for when we start the day with the 11th Step- "WE ASK GOD TO DIRECT OUR THINKING" and "we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use." AND "NEVERTHELESS, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of
inspiration." (pages 86 & 87)
Appendix B "Spiritual Experience (Step 12) reminds us of the " personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism."
The Steps I quoted from above tell us of the dangers of not practicing them but also of rewards and promises of applying them. We can also consider the promises of Step 9 on page 83 and 84 of the Big Book.
So it isn't "being" an arms length away from a drink that is the REAL concern, it's our state of mind, our spiritual condition- are you on good spiritual ground?
Here are a few other reasons why we're never truelly an arms length away from a drink.
I'm not an arms length away from a drink, I'm-
12 steps away from a drink
I'm a call to my sponsor away from a drink.
I'm a meeting away from a drink.
I'm a rehab away from a drink.
I'm a prayer away from a drink.
I'm a slogan away from a drink.
I'm a call to the hotline away from a drink.
I'm a call on the phone list away from a drink.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Being an empath
Can you feel what others around you are feeling? Are you sensitive to your surroundings? When you lay your hands on someone, do your hands know right where to go to help that person? Perhaps you are an empath.
Some people would love to learn how to be more empathic, while others would love to learn how to retain the best parts of that skill, while managing the more difficult aspects. this article will help you with both things.
I know first hand, because I am an empath. It has been both a gift and has exacted many painful lessons from me. I could never be the healer I am today without having been an empath. When I lay my hands on a person, I can tell almost right away what emotions are lodged in that person's body, what issues they are dealing with, and sometimes, even what they are thinking. On the other side of the coin, there have been times in my life where I was not true to myself because of the needs and the emotions of others, often greatly to my detriment.
So what are we to do about this quandary?
There are several things that I have found essential practices in my path to take advantage of the psychic gifts, and lessen the problems of being an empath.
Curse or Blessing?
Being an empath is a double edged sword. It can be both a curse and a blessing. On one hand, you have the ability to intuit exactly what you need to do to make someone comfortable. On the other, it is easy to lose track of what you need, because you are so accustomed to caring for other's comfort before caring for your own. You have easy access to information about what is going on with the people around you, but sometimes it is hard to know your own mind.Some people would love to learn how to be more empathic, while others would love to learn how to retain the best parts of that skill, while managing the more difficult aspects. this article will help you with both things.
An Empath Can Be a Real Chameleon
I have this theory that people become empaths as a way to stay safe in their world. If you know what those around you are feeling, then you know how to adjust what you say and do to make them comfortable so that they are safer people to be around, both emotionally and physically. An empath can be a real chameleon, shifting tone of voice, conversation styles, body posture, and choice of tactics and actions to help the people that are around them to feel more at ease. The problem with this is that they often lose track of what is actually authentic and true for themselves.Self Care or Self Detriment?
Empaths tend to care take their environment as a way to care take themselves. This is a pretty roundabout way of doing self care. Doing or saying something that will make someone else angry or sad is uncomfortable for an empath, so that they often avoid confrontation in order to avoid feeling other people's uncomfortable emotions. It is easy for them to lose track of the fact that they themselves are feeling uncomfortable.I know first hand, because I am an empath. It has been both a gift and has exacted many painful lessons from me. I could never be the healer I am today without having been an empath. When I lay my hands on a person, I can tell almost right away what emotions are lodged in that person's body, what issues they are dealing with, and sometimes, even what they are thinking. On the other side of the coin, there have been times in my life where I was not true to myself because of the needs and the emotions of others, often greatly to my detriment.
So what are we to do about this quandary?
There are several things that I have found essential practices in my path to take advantage of the psychic gifts, and lessen the problems of being an empath.
How Sensitive Are You?
Take this quiz to see if you could possibly be a natural born empath.
why things don't get done
I think back upon my life and come to several conclusions; some things never change, some things change for the better AND some things get worse.
On many occassions I say to myself "you react differently to the world now because you're older and out of your experiences" AND that may be true.
I wonder, however why does something like reasoning change? Does common sense fall prey to a type of social evolution? Is every "fact" open to interpetation?
I don't want much TV these days. I have the basic 2 thru 23 channels because I prefer channels with documentaries, some NFL and some Nascar and even then I may sit in front of the BOX only a few hours a week.
Because I no longer vegitate before the square device of entertainment, mis-information and drama I am beside myself how folks spend hour after hour just sitting there and gazing?
Growing up in the sixties, when I walked around town, the only people glued to the tube were the Dad's watching sports games. Mom's were helping with homework or baking or gardening or up the street talking to the neighbors. Most kids were out playing hide and seek, basketball, baseball, football, riding a bike and so on.
This makes me wonder why maybe YOU say "oh the good old days" and then sigh . . . . . and then turn on the television?
From my experience, television today is an addiction and like most addictions, those addicted are in denial. I know I was, I used to think "oh, there's really nothing else to do so I'll watch some (" some " is a code word for many hours of tv watching truthfully) TV." But it wasn't always like that.
Television is a CLEVER device and you may youtube all the videos you want to find out about TV Mind Control. It's not a lie.
Maybe when the psychiatrists came up with that syndrome ( not sure what exactly it's called) that people get from the winter conditions (and if you can name it you got it) folks turned to television for relief.
Question; "when did going out and doing something in the cold weather become a bad thing?"
Which brings me to my next point, why can't I get help to fix things around my house especially in the winter months?
Why does it seem people don't have as much time for you or me when it's winter?
My guess at an answer to this is, after work there's only so much time between supper and the favorite TV shows? AND don't expect help when your friend is off for the weekend because he or she needs to get caught up on all the things they avoided during the week!
Also, if you are not a "televisionalist" and can't hold a conversation about this show or that program then you're just not plain fun to be around- BORING!
I recently went back to watching about an hour of news in the morning and some retro comedy shows at night- STOP!
That ended rather quickly but not quick enough. And it isn't the programs themselves that are mind and mood altering- it's those damn commercials.
You may google " tv commercials subliminal messaging."
There's no doubt now that my actions and re-actions were affected by just a couple weeks of minimal television viewing.
Activities that slowed down or stopped-
1. long walks with and FOR my dog. (as a heart attack survivor not walking is detrimental)
2. spiritual exercises.(spirituality keeps me grounded, thoughtful and kind to others)
3. calling on my friends. (no explaination needed)
4. not taking my vitamins and supplements.( I am affected by arthritis, COPD, reflux and high tryglicerides)
To name a few, BUT, most disturbing is that now since I'm getting back into my routine, I realize how LETHARGIC I became. What is scary is that it didn't take very much TV watching to become lethargic! AND scarier yet is the fact I wasn't aware I was lethargic at the time.
Right now I'm making chicken soup from scratch- chicken, onions, some broth, potatoes and carrots.
My friend Collin who is like a personal trainer for me commented yesterday how "happy" I was when I was active not but a few short weeks ago.
My spiritual advisor, B-man suggested that I get back on track with any med's I stopped taking, because I did stop. (I rely more on natural remedies anyway but the truth was I stopped taking everything).
I also turned off that noise box and I don't miss it!
Activities that started again or are back on track;
1. walking the dog.
2. spiritual exercises.
3. taking my vitamins and minerals.
4. taking necessary med's.
5. more time thinking about what else I could be doing besides sitting on my butt in the house!
6. house cleaning.
7. starting new projects.
8. preparing for spring and the beginning of camping season.
9. making contacts to get that URAL motorcycle with sidecar.
10. having a new attitude toward people.
To name a few. (oh, I also got some things done for friends that I promised I was going to do before I got sidetracked by television)
Most of all I am so grateful I can think again- for myself.
Peace, Love and Respect- tat2guru.
On many occassions I say to myself "you react differently to the world now because you're older and out of your experiences" AND that may be true.
I wonder, however why does something like reasoning change? Does common sense fall prey to a type of social evolution? Is every "fact" open to interpetation?
I don't want much TV these days. I have the basic 2 thru 23 channels because I prefer channels with documentaries, some NFL and some Nascar and even then I may sit in front of the BOX only a few hours a week.
Because I no longer vegitate before the square device of entertainment, mis-information and drama I am beside myself how folks spend hour after hour just sitting there and gazing?
Growing up in the sixties, when I walked around town, the only people glued to the tube were the Dad's watching sports games. Mom's were helping with homework or baking or gardening or up the street talking to the neighbors. Most kids were out playing hide and seek, basketball, baseball, football, riding a bike and so on.
This makes me wonder why maybe YOU say "oh the good old days" and then sigh . . . . . and then turn on the television?
From my experience, television today is an addiction and like most addictions, those addicted are in denial. I know I was, I used to think "oh, there's really nothing else to do so I'll watch some (" some " is a code word for many hours of tv watching truthfully) TV." But it wasn't always like that.
Television is a CLEVER device and you may youtube all the videos you want to find out about TV Mind Control. It's not a lie.
Maybe when the psychiatrists came up with that syndrome ( not sure what exactly it's called) that people get from the winter conditions (and if you can name it you got it) folks turned to television for relief.
Question; "when did going out and doing something in the cold weather become a bad thing?"
Which brings me to my next point, why can't I get help to fix things around my house especially in the winter months?
Why does it seem people don't have as much time for you or me when it's winter?
My guess at an answer to this is, after work there's only so much time between supper and the favorite TV shows? AND don't expect help when your friend is off for the weekend because he or she needs to get caught up on all the things they avoided during the week!
Also, if you are not a "televisionalist" and can't hold a conversation about this show or that program then you're just not plain fun to be around- BORING!
I recently went back to watching about an hour of news in the morning and some retro comedy shows at night- STOP!
That ended rather quickly but not quick enough. And it isn't the programs themselves that are mind and mood altering- it's those damn commercials.
You may google " tv commercials subliminal messaging."
There's no doubt now that my actions and re-actions were affected by just a couple weeks of minimal television viewing.
Activities that slowed down or stopped-
1. long walks with and FOR my dog. (as a heart attack survivor not walking is detrimental)
2. spiritual exercises.(spirituality keeps me grounded, thoughtful and kind to others)
3. calling on my friends. (no explaination needed)
4. not taking my vitamins and supplements.( I am affected by arthritis, COPD, reflux and high tryglicerides)
To name a few, BUT, most disturbing is that now since I'm getting back into my routine, I realize how LETHARGIC I became. What is scary is that it didn't take very much TV watching to become lethargic! AND scarier yet is the fact I wasn't aware I was lethargic at the time.
Right now I'm making chicken soup from scratch- chicken, onions, some broth, potatoes and carrots.
My friend Collin who is like a personal trainer for me commented yesterday how "happy" I was when I was active not but a few short weeks ago.
My spiritual advisor, B-man suggested that I get back on track with any med's I stopped taking, because I did stop. (I rely more on natural remedies anyway but the truth was I stopped taking everything).
I also turned off that noise box and I don't miss it!
Activities that started again or are back on track;
1. walking the dog.
2. spiritual exercises.
3. taking my vitamins and minerals.
4. taking necessary med's.
5. more time thinking about what else I could be doing besides sitting on my butt in the house!
6. house cleaning.
7. starting new projects.
8. preparing for spring and the beginning of camping season.
9. making contacts to get that URAL motorcycle with sidecar.
10. having a new attitude toward people.
To name a few. (oh, I also got some things done for friends that I promised I was going to do before I got sidetracked by television)
Most of all I am so grateful I can think again- for myself.
Peace, Love and Respect- tat2guru.
frequent flyer miles for guilt trips-
Chances are you've been the victim of guilt trips many, many times AND if you're confused about it, maybe feeling victimized then let me explain.
First, let's take a brief look at the frequent flyer mile program as it is described by wikipedia-
A frequent flyer program (FFP) is a loyalty program offered by many airlines. Typically, airline customers enrolled in the program accumulate frequent flyer miles (kilometers, points, segments) corresponding to the distance flown on that airline or its partners. There are other ways to accumulate miles. In recent years, more miles were awarded for using co-branded credit and debit cards than for air travel. Acquired miles can be redeemed for free air travel; for other goods or services; or for increased benefits, such as travel class upgrades, airport lounge access or priority bookings.
Does such a program exhist in our emotional every day living? Let's investigate the working parts, come with me on a little journey.
I think it's safe to conclude that those issuing the guilt trips are awarded for their loyalty and not those taking them. That's the difference between the airline frequent flyer miles program and the human frequent guilt trip program.
As far as humans are concerned, there isn't a reward for "taking" a guilt trip ( as far as my experience is concerned and if yours is otherwise please inform me.) For me, a guilt trip leaves me with a lot of baggage, some times TONS of it. It's not often that I am able to step off a guilt trip with nothing "to declare."
EXAMPLE; "So, sir, you've just come off a guilt trip, do you have anything to declare?"
(ah, oh, hell yes!)
As a travelling guilt tripper I receive no benefits compared to the frequent flyer who does receive benefits AND unlike the frequent flyer, I am not "loyal" to the "guilt trip" program.
So who then benefits from guilt trips? This is where it gets tricky. Maybe the question will transform itself into "what are the benefits of giving guilt trips?"
O.k let's start by declaring that it is an "entity" that lays the guilt trips on us. The first thing to come to mind would be the devil.
Then, it's pretty obvious that folks around us provide much travel time for us to take guilt trips- never a shortage in that department! These folks, as I will explain are the ones receiving the benefits. I'll show you ( I feel like a lawyer presenting his case LOL) that these benefits are only ego-feeding instruments and have no positive value.
For instance, because I act immature I will not be able to have a constructive dialogue with another fellow or my spouse who has wronged me. I'll act nice toward you and smile but underneath all this clever joyousness of attitude is lurking a snake waiting to bite you!
He (the snake) hasn't found the right opportunity yet, a good one, a time when the guilt trip will be most effective and destroy you emotionally. OR maybe the snake is impatient and strikes at the first opportunity - "you don't listen to me."
There's a guilt trip that is often preceeded by hours and days of silence by one of the partners involved. The person "laying" on this guilt trip believes in his or her mind that you are being taught a lesson with this silence. You're being punished! YOU need time to think about what you did. HUH, but the truth is that the person who invoked the silence, who made the guilt trip possible, that person is really suffering because being silent for them isn't easy. Nobody gets a reward here? Well, maybe the person who is "getting" the silent treatment might feel relieved that the other has shut up. I guess that's kind of a reward.
Remember what I said earlier;
So who then benefits from guilt trips? This is where it gets tricky. Maybe the question will transform itself into "what are the benefits of giving guilt trips?"
How about the guilt trip of invoking past mistakes and wrongs? The time that these invokations take place are very important to the guilt trip giver. You just don't throw them out on any occassion, it takes precision timing and planning for them to be effective.
Now you've "goofed up" again, it doen't matter to the G.T.G. (guilt trip giver) wether it was a mistake or on purpose- this is an opportunity. But an opportunity for what?
Since these folks (the G.T.G.) have little insight about handling everyday situations with other people, chances are that days and months of penned up frustrations are waiting to explode like Mount St. Helens.
You have just provided them (the G.T.G.) with the opportunity AND the size and length of your guilt trip will depend on how intense the penned up frustrations are. So, the benefits (if we can call it that) are that the G.T.G. lets off some steam. (ps, I don't like this program). In the back of your mind, when all is erupting, during the thunder and lightning, the smashing and banging, you may hear the call on the loudspeaker of your subconcious; "have a nice guilt trip."
Then there are those who will during a general conversation let slip ever so mindfully on their part a little innuendo for you to "think about later." They benefit (so it seems) this way;
"I guess I told him (or her) " and all day long he or she ( the G.T.G.) pictures in their mind how you are re-acting to what you were told, the little dig. During the day they don't stop thinking about how bad you feel, maybe you are pictured in their mind sitting and crying. Perhaps in the mind of the G.T.G. you are seen declaring how terrible you've been and how you are going to apologize for your terribleness. The G.T.G. smiles at the thought that you will finally come to your senses and pronounce how "wrong you've been."
Oh the saga of frequent guilt trip benefits! Sometimes the giver, other times the getter.
Peace, Love and Respect, the tat2guru.
First, let's take a brief look at the frequent flyer mile program as it is described by wikipedia-
A frequent flyer program (FFP) is a loyalty program offered by many airlines. Typically, airline customers enrolled in the program accumulate frequent flyer miles (kilometers, points, segments) corresponding to the distance flown on that airline or its partners. There are other ways to accumulate miles. In recent years, more miles were awarded for using co-branded credit and debit cards than for air travel. Acquired miles can be redeemed for free air travel; for other goods or services; or for increased benefits, such as travel class upgrades, airport lounge access or priority bookings.
Does such a program exhist in our emotional every day living? Let's investigate the working parts, come with me on a little journey.
I think it's safe to conclude that those issuing the guilt trips are awarded for their loyalty and not those taking them. That's the difference between the airline frequent flyer miles program and the human frequent guilt trip program.
As far as humans are concerned, there isn't a reward for "taking" a guilt trip ( as far as my experience is concerned and if yours is otherwise please inform me.) For me, a guilt trip leaves me with a lot of baggage, some times TONS of it. It's not often that I am able to step off a guilt trip with nothing "to declare."
EXAMPLE; "So, sir, you've just come off a guilt trip, do you have anything to declare?"
(ah, oh, hell yes!)
As a travelling guilt tripper I receive no benefits compared to the frequent flyer who does receive benefits AND unlike the frequent flyer, I am not "loyal" to the "guilt trip" program.
So who then benefits from guilt trips? This is where it gets tricky. Maybe the question will transform itself into "what are the benefits of giving guilt trips?"
O.k let's start by declaring that it is an "entity" that lays the guilt trips on us. The first thing to come to mind would be the devil.
Then, it's pretty obvious that folks around us provide much travel time for us to take guilt trips- never a shortage in that department! These folks, as I will explain are the ones receiving the benefits. I'll show you ( I feel like a lawyer presenting his case LOL) that these benefits are only ego-feeding instruments and have no positive value.
For instance, because I act immature I will not be able to have a constructive dialogue with another fellow or my spouse who has wronged me. I'll act nice toward you and smile but underneath all this clever joyousness of attitude is lurking a snake waiting to bite you!
He (the snake) hasn't found the right opportunity yet, a good one, a time when the guilt trip will be most effective and destroy you emotionally. OR maybe the snake is impatient and strikes at the first opportunity - "you don't listen to me."
There's a guilt trip that is often preceeded by hours and days of silence by one of the partners involved. The person "laying" on this guilt trip believes in his or her mind that you are being taught a lesson with this silence. You're being punished! YOU need time to think about what you did. HUH, but the truth is that the person who invoked the silence, who made the guilt trip possible, that person is really suffering because being silent for them isn't easy. Nobody gets a reward here? Well, maybe the person who is "getting" the silent treatment might feel relieved that the other has shut up. I guess that's kind of a reward.
Remember what I said earlier;
So who then benefits from guilt trips? This is where it gets tricky. Maybe the question will transform itself into "what are the benefits of giving guilt trips?"
How about the guilt trip of invoking past mistakes and wrongs? The time that these invokations take place are very important to the guilt trip giver. You just don't throw them out on any occassion, it takes precision timing and planning for them to be effective.
Now you've "goofed up" again, it doen't matter to the G.T.G. (guilt trip giver) wether it was a mistake or on purpose- this is an opportunity. But an opportunity for what?
Since these folks (the G.T.G.) have little insight about handling everyday situations with other people, chances are that days and months of penned up frustrations are waiting to explode like Mount St. Helens.
You have just provided them (the G.T.G.) with the opportunity AND the size and length of your guilt trip will depend on how intense the penned up frustrations are. So, the benefits (if we can call it that) are that the G.T.G. lets off some steam. (ps, I don't like this program). In the back of your mind, when all is erupting, during the thunder and lightning, the smashing and banging, you may hear the call on the loudspeaker of your subconcious; "have a nice guilt trip."
Then there are those who will during a general conversation let slip ever so mindfully on their part a little innuendo for you to "think about later." They benefit (so it seems) this way;
"I guess I told him (or her) " and all day long he or she ( the G.T.G.) pictures in their mind how you are re-acting to what you were told, the little dig. During the day they don't stop thinking about how bad you feel, maybe you are pictured in their mind sitting and crying. Perhaps in the mind of the G.T.G. you are seen declaring how terrible you've been and how you are going to apologize for your terribleness. The G.T.G. smiles at the thought that you will finally come to your senses and pronounce how "wrong you've been."
Oh the saga of frequent guilt trip benefits! Sometimes the giver, other times the getter.
Peace, Love and Respect, the tat2guru.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
do you make friends OR take hostages?
So, maybe the relationship you have with your sponsor, your spiritual advisor, your A.A. friend OR maybe your recovering spouse/significant other is taxing - what's the strain of it all about then?
First, speaking for myself, the strains I've experienced in relationships are mostly mine, however, speaking realistically about the whole affair of relationships sometime more than one person is fighting demons.
For instance, and not limited to recovering women, there are some gals who don't know how to "take" a fellow being kind to them after experiencing many years of abuse and disloyalty. The betrayal leaves scars and suspicions.
On the other hand there are men, in recovery, who even with many "24 hours" under their belt cannot sustain an honest relationship with a gal for very long. We attempt to be honest, and are at the start however as time passes something like the "lack of discipline" rears its ugly head and we begin to look in other directions.
In both cases, even a little dishonesty leaves one or the other shaken and stirred.
The stress of relationships goes beyond the romantic type- just plain friends, companions and hombres. What may happen here?
Well, speaking from my own experience, I've not much trouble with associates, friends and companions or hombres. I do get confused at times when another persons actions don't make sense but then how else could I act?
I'm not good at "approaching" another person when something is bothering me either, then I tend to make a mountain from a molehill. When that happens I may not be realistic about what's going on. But not always BECAUSE I' m learning from my mistakes.
Romantically, oh jeez, I tend to get out of balance easily in that department and I'll leave it at that. How does that go again, oh yeah- "I keep trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results! "
Although I don't care much for labels, I think I may be an empath. I'm not sure of the origin of that description of a sensitive person but the symptoms of empath fit me like a new pair of well made shoes.
I'm going to move forward now delicately.
There are men who have girlfriends. They do admit at meetings that they don't get girlfriends, they take hostages. They laugh out loud about it. This kind of admission does however become silent when the "latest" hostage is sitting nearby but, we've watched his girlfriends come and go, come and go, come and go. You can if you want, ask your current partner just how many girlfriends he's had since he's in recovery? You may ask him if he's ever called a former girlfriend " a hostage."
Then there are friends, associates, amigo's and such. At first the contact is minimal and cordial, nothing out of the ordinary. However as time passes, a sick individual has a need to control and be reported to. This control comes in the form of conditioning in the beginning because it's suttle. "What are you doing today?" And later that same day, "What did you do today?"
Then the phone calls increase as well- sometimes I wish God would damn cell phones. At first one call a day then two. Then the "you can call me anytime" utterance. Now, because you may have agreed to "call anytime" when you don't call "anytime" , you can rest assure that if 2 or 3 hours go by you will receive call. "I haven't heard from you" you're told. Because you weren't asked "are you busy" AND you engaged in a conversation you've given your unspoken permission to receive these calls AND receive them you will. Because you get caught OFF guard by this "I haven't heard from you in a few hours" you won't protest the intrusion and suggestion that you've done something wrong AND because this happens a few times you will be in short order conditioned to call first before 2 or three hours goes by and REPORT IN. This starts the uneasy, painful and relentless attempt to please, please and please the other person.
My spiritual advisor tells me this " you will be unhappy in a friendship and stay that way as long as the other person is happy." A sponsees wife says "that's people pleazin " and they're right.
So, I'm learning and growth comes with pain. I'd rather be free and have some pain than to be a hostage full of pain. I'll be by myself rather than to confuse or mislead a girlfriend because I get immature.
Nope, it's nothing to laugh about this taking hostage thing!
Peace, Love and Respect, the tat2guru.
First, speaking for myself, the strains I've experienced in relationships are mostly mine, however, speaking realistically about the whole affair of relationships sometime more than one person is fighting demons.
For instance, and not limited to recovering women, there are some gals who don't know how to "take" a fellow being kind to them after experiencing many years of abuse and disloyalty. The betrayal leaves scars and suspicions.
On the other hand there are men, in recovery, who even with many "24 hours" under their belt cannot sustain an honest relationship with a gal for very long. We attempt to be honest, and are at the start however as time passes something like the "lack of discipline" rears its ugly head and we begin to look in other directions.
In both cases, even a little dishonesty leaves one or the other shaken and stirred.
The stress of relationships goes beyond the romantic type- just plain friends, companions and hombres. What may happen here?
Well, speaking from my own experience, I've not much trouble with associates, friends and companions or hombres. I do get confused at times when another persons actions don't make sense but then how else could I act?
I'm not good at "approaching" another person when something is bothering me either, then I tend to make a mountain from a molehill. When that happens I may not be realistic about what's going on. But not always BECAUSE I' m learning from my mistakes.
Romantically, oh jeez, I tend to get out of balance easily in that department and I'll leave it at that. How does that go again, oh yeah- "I keep trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results! "
Although I don't care much for labels, I think I may be an empath. I'm not sure of the origin of that description of a sensitive person but the symptoms of empath fit me like a new pair of well made shoes.
I'm going to move forward now delicately.
There are men who have girlfriends. They do admit at meetings that they don't get girlfriends, they take hostages. They laugh out loud about it. This kind of admission does however become silent when the "latest" hostage is sitting nearby but, we've watched his girlfriends come and go, come and go, come and go. You can if you want, ask your current partner just how many girlfriends he's had since he's in recovery? You may ask him if he's ever called a former girlfriend " a hostage."
Then there are friends, associates, amigo's and such. At first the contact is minimal and cordial, nothing out of the ordinary. However as time passes, a sick individual has a need to control and be reported to. This control comes in the form of conditioning in the beginning because it's suttle. "What are you doing today?" And later that same day, "What did you do today?"
Then the phone calls increase as well- sometimes I wish God would damn cell phones. At first one call a day then two. Then the "you can call me anytime" utterance. Now, because you may have agreed to "call anytime" when you don't call "anytime" , you can rest assure that if 2 or 3 hours go by you will receive call. "I haven't heard from you" you're told. Because you weren't asked "are you busy" AND you engaged in a conversation you've given your unspoken permission to receive these calls AND receive them you will. Because you get caught OFF guard by this "I haven't heard from you in a few hours" you won't protest the intrusion and suggestion that you've done something wrong AND because this happens a few times you will be in short order conditioned to call first before 2 or three hours goes by and REPORT IN. This starts the uneasy, painful and relentless attempt to please, please and please the other person.
My spiritual advisor tells me this " you will be unhappy in a friendship and stay that way as long as the other person is happy." A sponsees wife says "that's people pleazin " and they're right.
So, I'm learning and growth comes with pain. I'd rather be free and have some pain than to be a hostage full of pain. I'll be by myself rather than to confuse or mislead a girlfriend because I get immature.
Nope, it's nothing to laugh about this taking hostage thing!
Peace, Love and Respect, the tat2guru.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
veteran Of a thousand psychic wars
You see me now, a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
I've been living on the edge so long
Where the winds of limbo roar
And I'm young enough to look at
And far too old to see
All the scars are on the inside
I'm not sure that there's anything left of me
/ Em Em7 / A Em / : / A Em / / C Em - - / A - B - /
{Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
It's time we had some leave
We've been living in the flames
We've been eating out our brains
Oh, please don't let these shakes go on
/ Am Em / Am EmAm Am Em Am EmAm / Am7 Am - /
/ EmAm Am / / EmAm EmAm Em - /
You ask me why I'm weary
Why I can't speak to you
You blame me for my silence
Say it's time I changed and grew
But the war's still going on, dear
And there's no end that I know
And I can't say if we're ever
I can't say if we're ever gonna be free
{Refrain}
You see me now a veteran
Of a thousand psychic wars
My energy is spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons
And I'm helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I'm made of
Did I hear you say that this is victory
{As Refrain}
Don't let these shakes go on
It's time we had a break from it
Send me to the rear
Where the tides of madness swell
And been sliding into hell
Oh, please don't let shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
Don't let these shakes go on
... / EmAm EmAm Em7 C/B Em7 C/B / Em7 C/B Em7 C/B / / Em - /
Tales
(Hensley)
We told our tales as we sat under
Morning's sleepy sky
With all the colours of the sunrise
Shining in our eyes.
One, then another, with a story of yesterday's lives
Or of a lover who had gone in a
Moment of strife.
No thought of sleep ever dwells upon
The wise man's mind
Some task or audience stealing every
Moment of his time.
Thus we have learned to live
While mortal men stand waiting to die.
How can we do what must be done in
Just one short life.
And if you ask, then you must know.
If you still doubt, you should be told.
It was not we that made it so.
It was by those who went before.
And there you sit, tomorrow's child
So full of love, so full of life
But you must rise to meet the day
Lest you become another tale
And there you sit, tomorrow's child
So full of love, so full of life
But you must rise to meet the day
Lest you become another tale
Another tale, another tale
Another tale
things I share with my spiritual advisor
Some folks are "worried" about me. Others think I'm "hiding" in the woodworks. Then there are those who just plain understand that I am "getting it together" again.
A friend JoJo was upset with me that I stopped calling him as often as I was and he was "worried" about me. When I returned his call today (he called me earlier this morning) he said he "prayed" on what message to leave me and that's why he said "it's a pattern with you, you come out for a while, help people and then you disappear."
At some point in our conversation I apologized for hurting his feelings and it wasn't intentional. I went on to explain that yes, while it is true that I hang out for a while and then I don't hang out for a while it's not like I "hide in the woodwork" because people know where I live.
Then I explained more to JoJo that when I get overwhelmed with life's situations especially when there's more than usual negativity coming at me I tend to "back off" and go to that "line of departure" that Bill Wilson talks about in the book As Bill Sees It.
That line of departure is a place where I stay and pray, meditate and self-examinate. It's a place where I decide and learn through prayer, meditation and self-examination what I can accept and what I can and cannot change- change as far as my life is concerned and the unbalance at the time. This sorting out process shows me the wisdom in what I am able to accept and change AND what to do if there's action to be taken. I also become prepared to make any apologies necessary if I hurt anyone. I did apologize to Jo Jo for not calling as much as I was since it did hurt his feelings. Then I leave the line of departure OR go hang out again- that simple.
I was just speaking with my spiritual advisor (B-man) and we discussed that I am applying the principle of Step Ten during these situations. We agreed that technically there is no time limit that one can apply to the sorting out process when we are in deep prayer, meditation and self-examination. I confirmed our conclusion by reciting to him from page 89, Step Ten in the Twelve and Twelve;
"Once this healthy practice has been grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed. For these minutes AND hours spent in self-examination are bound to make all the other hours of our day better and happier." end quote.
JoJo and I have a mutual friend Joe W. who also called today and whom I also didn't get back to. Joe W. ran into (not literally) JoJo and they were discussing how I appear and disappear. I called Joe W. and apologized for ignoring him and not returning his call. I did explain to Joe W. that I was helping a friend move 2 refrigerators using my truck and travelling about 30 miles round trip. When he said "you do disappear" at times invoking the conversation he had earlier about me with JoJo ( because they were worried about me) I asked him to rephrase that because I DON'T DISAPPEAR- people know where I live and saying I " disappear " takes the whole thing out of context.
When YOU say I disappear - truthfully YOU are writing me off in your mind, no? "Oh, where's John?" "Oh, he disappeared again." Chances are since I disappeared you won't call me or come to see me huh?
A friend JoJo was upset with me that I stopped calling him as often as I was and he was "worried" about me. When I returned his call today (he called me earlier this morning) he said he "prayed" on what message to leave me and that's why he said "it's a pattern with you, you come out for a while, help people and then you disappear."
At some point in our conversation I apologized for hurting his feelings and it wasn't intentional. I went on to explain that yes, while it is true that I hang out for a while and then I don't hang out for a while it's not like I "hide in the woodwork" because people know where I live.
Then I explained more to JoJo that when I get overwhelmed with life's situations especially when there's more than usual negativity coming at me I tend to "back off" and go to that "line of departure" that Bill Wilson talks about in the book As Bill Sees It.
That line of departure is a place where I stay and pray, meditate and self-examinate. It's a place where I decide and learn through prayer, meditation and self-examination what I can accept and what I can and cannot change- change as far as my life is concerned and the unbalance at the time. This sorting out process shows me the wisdom in what I am able to accept and change AND what to do if there's action to be taken. I also become prepared to make any apologies necessary if I hurt anyone. I did apologize to Jo Jo for not calling as much as I was since it did hurt his feelings. Then I leave the line of departure OR go hang out again- that simple.
I was just speaking with my spiritual advisor (B-man) and we discussed that I am applying the principle of Step Ten during these situations. We agreed that technically there is no time limit that one can apply to the sorting out process when we are in deep prayer, meditation and self-examination. I confirmed our conclusion by reciting to him from page 89, Step Ten in the Twelve and Twelve;
"Once this healthy practice has been grooved, it will be so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed. For these minutes AND hours spent in self-examination are bound to make all the other hours of our day better and happier." end quote.
JoJo and I have a mutual friend Joe W. who also called today and whom I also didn't get back to. Joe W. ran into (not literally) JoJo and they were discussing how I appear and disappear. I called Joe W. and apologized for ignoring him and not returning his call. I did explain to Joe W. that I was helping a friend move 2 refrigerators using my truck and travelling about 30 miles round trip. When he said "you do disappear" at times invoking the conversation he had earlier about me with JoJo ( because they were worried about me) I asked him to rephrase that because I DON'T DISAPPEAR- people know where I live and saying I " disappear " takes the whole thing out of context.
When YOU say I disappear - truthfully YOU are writing me off in your mind, no? "Oh, where's John?" "Oh, he disappeared again." Chances are since I disappeared you won't call me or come to see me huh?
When " it " affects A.A. as a whole.
We (this fellowship I am a member of) have Traditons. The Traditions are principles set down by fellow alcoholics to help unify and keep the program effective, EFFECTIVE. A description of the traditions can be found in the foreword to the Book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions."
The question is "when behavior of individuals affects A.A. as a whole" what do we do?
" We stay whole or A.A. dies" says the First Tradition and "unity is the most cherished quality our society has. Our lives, and the lives of those to come depend on it" end quote - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Tradition One; page 129.
AND if OUR lives and the lives of those to come depend upon OUR behavior, then the way we act, our manners, our deportment, our conduct means something, it means something to the point of life and death. Life and death for us, and life and death for the newcomer!
Who has the "right" to tell another that their behavior is affecting A.A. as a whole then? An elder statesman?
And what about the response we get these days when we approach a person who isn't acting spiritual, when they say "principles before personalities." In other words, they tell you OR me to mind our own business! Will that ensure the survival of A.A. current and future this- "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?"
Have members these days taken that principle out of context- principles before personalities? You betchya! (it's about ANONYMITY, stupid)
We may offer guidance by explaining to someone that he or she isn't acting spiritual and that their behavior (besides being known to many already) is affecting A.A. as a whole.
When a person is, say on a dry drunk (and many are) they may have no clue what their behavior is really about and how it is disrupting the lives of others. When approached they shrug off any accountability (thank you Robin) or make remarks like "seems to me YOU'RE the one with the problem." Now in the mind of the denial, for the one in full flight from reality, they see YOU or ME as behaving badly and will to their close friends make excuses for the way they are behaving. They must act or re-act this way because if they don't - (you fill in the blank.)
AND herein lies the problem, when these folks dismiss any responsibility for "inappropiate behavior" THEY disconnect from all spiritual principles that unify US as a whole and keep us EFFECTIVE. Why?
When a person fails to admit his or her fault the action of the program becomes dead. OR when a person can so manipulate others that they would NOT DARE approach him or her with a gripe- those people USE their power AND this power kills. How?
Noone has the power to make another person drink, no, I'm not saying that so what I am saying is this "if you hurt someone and don't use the principles of the program to rectify the hurt and start healing- YOU HAVE THE POWER - yes, TO KILL!
But how?
Because when you allow a hurt to continue, a REAL honest to God offense that you committed against someone, it is not the other persons "duty" to just forget about it.
AND especially when that person has approached you to say "you hurt me", when you deny any responsibility or accountabilty- it is not the other persons "duty" to just forget about it either.
WHEN YOU HURT PEOPLE AND YOU CONTINUE TO HURT PEOPLE, PEOPLE GET HURT, PEOPLE get SPIRITUALLY SICK AND SOME even DIE.
You see, you don't really have the power to kill- but what YOU do have is the power to heal! AND instead of healing others by your actions, YOU PUNISH them by your inactions.
When it affects A.A. as a whole, it affects A.A. individually as well.
The tat2guru
The question is "when behavior of individuals affects A.A. as a whole" what do we do?
" We stay whole or A.A. dies" says the First Tradition and "unity is the most cherished quality our society has. Our lives, and the lives of those to come depend on it" end quote - Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Tradition One; page 129.
AND if OUR lives and the lives of those to come depend upon OUR behavior, then the way we act, our manners, our deportment, our conduct means something, it means something to the point of life and death. Life and death for us, and life and death for the newcomer!
Who has the "right" to tell another that their behavior is affecting A.A. as a whole then? An elder statesman?
And what about the response we get these days when we approach a person who isn't acting spiritual, when they say "principles before personalities." In other words, they tell you OR me to mind our own business! Will that ensure the survival of A.A. current and future this- "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?"
Have members these days taken that principle out of context- principles before personalities? You betchya! (it's about ANONYMITY, stupid)
We may offer guidance by explaining to someone that he or she isn't acting spiritual and that their behavior (besides being known to many already) is affecting A.A. as a whole.
When a person is, say on a dry drunk (and many are) they may have no clue what their behavior is really about and how it is disrupting the lives of others. When approached they shrug off any accountability (thank you Robin) or make remarks like "seems to me YOU'RE the one with the problem." Now in the mind of the denial, for the one in full flight from reality, they see YOU or ME as behaving badly and will to their close friends make excuses for the way they are behaving. They must act or re-act this way because if they don't - (you fill in the blank.)
AND herein lies the problem, when these folks dismiss any responsibility for "inappropiate behavior" THEY disconnect from all spiritual principles that unify US as a whole and keep us EFFECTIVE. Why?
When a person fails to admit his or her fault the action of the program becomes dead. OR when a person can so manipulate others that they would NOT DARE approach him or her with a gripe- those people USE their power AND this power kills. How?
Noone has the power to make another person drink, no, I'm not saying that so what I am saying is this "if you hurt someone and don't use the principles of the program to rectify the hurt and start healing- YOU HAVE THE POWER - yes, TO KILL!
But how?
Because when you allow a hurt to continue, a REAL honest to God offense that you committed against someone, it is not the other persons "duty" to just forget about it.
AND especially when that person has approached you to say "you hurt me", when you deny any responsibility or accountabilty- it is not the other persons "duty" to just forget about it either.
WHEN YOU HURT PEOPLE AND YOU CONTINUE TO HURT PEOPLE, PEOPLE GET HURT, PEOPLE get SPIRITUALLY SICK AND SOME even DIE.
You see, you don't really have the power to kill- but what YOU do have is the power to heal! AND instead of healing others by your actions, YOU PUNISH them by your inactions.
When it affects A.A. as a whole, it affects A.A. individually as well.
The tat2guru
Sunday, February 13, 2011
a proverb (you devil you)
A devil with fine manners can still carry you only to hell.
Source: (Darkovan)
Source: (Darkovan)
I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since. . . "what's up with that?" by tat2guru
O.K. so, things still irk me. I used to say this when I introduced myself at a meeting- "my name is John and I haven't found it necessary to take adrink since (whenever)". I didn't mind it then but I mind that statement now, why?
I will tell you this, when I made that statement with my introduction, when I said "I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since (whenever)", what that did was make me feel SUPERIOR to others in the the room.
You can't come to this conclusion without deep and effective prayer and meditation followed by SINCERE self-examination. That's not a common way to introduce yourself at a meeting AND I often wondered where it started?
Why is saying something like that so out of place?
First, if you believe in the "disease concept" of alcoholism, the statement "didn't find it necessary to take a drink" doesn't fit in or apply.
Let's investigate this a little further. From the Chapter "There is a Solution" - page 18 in the A.A. Big Book;
"An illness of sort--and we have come to believe it an illness--involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt." end quote.
FIRST, please put out of your mind any idea that I am looking for sympathy because I have this illness.
Second, let's address this comparison then to cancer as the Big Book makes its point.
Anyone who truelly understands the disease of cancer AND anyone who has in fact gone through the agony of suffering and the pains of cancer recovery will understand this - a person who has experienced that process would be NOT be so COCKY to say "I have not found it necessary to have cancer since (whenever)." What does this statement imply then?
( WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING TO THE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE WHO IS STILL SUFFERING? )
What is an illness anyway?
An illness is a sickness.
If you are alcoholic and CLAIM to not be sick anymore, why are you shoving it in our faces by saying "I haven't found it necessary to be sick since (whenever)."
What is a sickness? It's a disease.
What is a disease?
It's an unhealthy condition. It's a disordered or bad condition of the mind, morals, public affairs etc. A malady, an ailment.
So, you may not have taken a drink since (whenever) but why is that so important to announce it to the world?
What about your state of mind since whenever? The disease part of disordered or bad condition of the mind, morals, public affairs etc. A malady, an ailment.
Can you say "I have not found it necessary to be disordered in my mind, my morals and public affairs since (whenever)?"
I'll answer that for you - HELL NO- you can't say it!
Hey, death is necessary, have you also found it NOT necessary to die?
We don't need the wood but could you please get OFF THE CROSS now anyway.
I will tell you this, when I made that statement with my introduction, when I said "I haven't found it necessary to take a drink since (whenever)", what that did was make me feel SUPERIOR to others in the the room.
You can't come to this conclusion without deep and effective prayer and meditation followed by SINCERE self-examination. That's not a common way to introduce yourself at a meeting AND I often wondered where it started?
Why is saying something like that so out of place?
First, if you believe in the "disease concept" of alcoholism, the statement "didn't find it necessary to take a drink" doesn't fit in or apply.
Let's investigate this a little further. From the Chapter "There is a Solution" - page 18 in the A.A. Big Book;
"An illness of sort--and we have come to believe it an illness--involves those about us in a way no other human sickness can. If a person has cancer all are sorry for him and no one is angry or hurt." end quote.
FIRST, please put out of your mind any idea that I am looking for sympathy because I have this illness.
Second, let's address this comparison then to cancer as the Big Book makes its point.
Anyone who truelly understands the disease of cancer AND anyone who has in fact gone through the agony of suffering and the pains of cancer recovery will understand this - a person who has experienced that process would be NOT be so COCKY to say "I have not found it necessary to have cancer since (whenever)." What does this statement imply then?
( WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING TO THE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE WHO IS STILL SUFFERING? )
What is an illness anyway?
An illness is a sickness.
If you are alcoholic and CLAIM to not be sick anymore, why are you shoving it in our faces by saying "I haven't found it necessary to be sick since (whenever)."
What is a sickness? It's a disease.
What is a disease?
It's an unhealthy condition. It's a disordered or bad condition of the mind, morals, public affairs etc. A malady, an ailment.
So, you may not have taken a drink since (whenever) but why is that so important to announce it to the world?
What about your state of mind since whenever? The disease part of disordered or bad condition of the mind, morals, public affairs etc. A malady, an ailment.
Can you say "I have not found it necessary to be disordered in my mind, my morals and public affairs since (whenever)?"
I'll answer that for you - HELL NO- you can't say it!
Hey, death is necessary, have you also found it NOT necessary to die?
We don't need the wood but could you please get OFF THE CROSS now anyway.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Wake up, you're unconcious! by tat2guru
Oh my, what a trying past few days I've had. First, for you whiners, shut up and PRAY. Most of you have little or nothing to whine about.
Second, for you whiners who feel so victimized by people and society that you use that as an excuse to brow beat every passive, decent, and Good Samaritan type- SHAME ON YOU.
I felt I was at the mercy of injustice when my 22 year old daughter died AND dealing with the world on a daily basis was and is to some degree tough and hurtful. It's a long story AND the story I tell is based on reality and not some fictionized version of victimness that some of you take advantage of when the opportunity is ripe for you.
I've listened to people whine about the economy, their car, the price of gas etc, etc. I would gladly give you my "burden" but really I don't want to disinegrate into a defective coward who cannot see the forrest through the trees!
Yeah, but the part that hurts the most is that folks who CLAIM to be "helpful" are the ones who turned their back on my daughter, Crystal Victoria. AND when she died you used any excuse you could find to not take responsibility for abandoning HOPE, all HOPE while that young girl still breathed!
Excuses, it seems today that it is more normal to make excuses than it is to take responsibility but let me warn you- the time will come when you'll be face to face with those demons you thought you evaded!
So, wake up people and ask yourself what are your priorities?
Ask yourself;
"am I being realisitic about my life?"
"do I really care what is happening to other people?"
"why must it be out of conveniance when I help another?"
"do my actions from my mind match the intentions of my heart?"
Second, for you whiners who feel so victimized by people and society that you use that as an excuse to brow beat every passive, decent, and Good Samaritan type- SHAME ON YOU.
I felt I was at the mercy of injustice when my 22 year old daughter died AND dealing with the world on a daily basis was and is to some degree tough and hurtful. It's a long story AND the story I tell is based on reality and not some fictionized version of victimness that some of you take advantage of when the opportunity is ripe for you.
I've listened to people whine about the economy, their car, the price of gas etc, etc. I would gladly give you my "burden" but really I don't want to disinegrate into a defective coward who cannot see the forrest through the trees!
Yeah, but the part that hurts the most is that folks who CLAIM to be "helpful" are the ones who turned their back on my daughter, Crystal Victoria. AND when she died you used any excuse you could find to not take responsibility for abandoning HOPE, all HOPE while that young girl still breathed!
Excuses, it seems today that it is more normal to make excuses than it is to take responsibility but let me warn you- the time will come when you'll be face to face with those demons you thought you evaded!
So, wake up people and ask yourself what are your priorities?
Ask yourself;
"am I being realisitic about my life?"
"do I really care what is happening to other people?"
"why must it be out of conveniance when I help another?"
"do my actions from my mind match the intentions of my heart?"
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Do I Have the Capacity to be Honest? by tat2guru
The real question is, "do most folks have the capacity to be honest?" The answer is " NO " .
There are a number of reasons why I understand that people aren't honest these days, or I should say during OUR times. Much has to do with fewer people taking responsibility for their actions. Another is there is so much litigation today that for quite a few individuals, they would rather seek legal remedies when they get offended wether they're guilty or not.
Then there are folks who will not be forthcoming because of the potential of retaliation public or private. There seems to exhist in this world citizens that you DARE not approach about any issue because they have and will "get you" or your property because, for the most part they are childish.
There exhists a class of people that would never and will never "own" up to anything even if they are caught red handed. Maybe they don't have a conscious. Maybe they do and they live to see others suffer.
Could you mention why some people aren't honest?
For me, honesty means a clean heart and a healthy soul- it's the difference between sleeping at night or tossing and turning. I am as honest as I can be.
imikimi - sharing creativity
There are a number of reasons why I understand that people aren't honest these days, or I should say during OUR times. Much has to do with fewer people taking responsibility for their actions. Another is there is so much litigation today that for quite a few individuals, they would rather seek legal remedies when they get offended wether they're guilty or not.
Then there are folks who will not be forthcoming because of the potential of retaliation public or private. There seems to exhist in this world citizens that you DARE not approach about any issue because they have and will "get you" or your property because, for the most part they are childish.
There exhists a class of people that would never and will never "own" up to anything even if they are caught red handed. Maybe they don't have a conscious. Maybe they do and they live to see others suffer.
Could you mention why some people aren't honest?
For me, honesty means a clean heart and a healthy soul- it's the difference between sleeping at night or tossing and turning. I am as honest as I can be.
imikimi - sharing creativity
Just a thought
"Weeds grow sometimes very much like flowers, and you can't tell the difference between true and false merely by the shape."
unknown
unknown
Getting Over Feeling Guilty
Getting Over Feeling Guilty
by Guy Finley
Key Lesson: Feeling guilt over what we regret about ourselves makes sense only to a mind that believes soaking in a mud bath is the best way to get clean!
Step Up and Away from Punishing Feelings
No one really wants to talk about it, but the truth is there is a kind of evil spell hanging over each of us and our world as well. In fact, part of this global spell is our denial of its existence. It is called suffering.
Everyone does it -- believing that their suffering somehow benefits them.
That's how the spell works. Why else would anyone punish himself with unhappy feelings unless he had been tricked into somehow perceiving self-hurt as self-help?
Let's examine one of these instances.
First of all, to be angry is to suffer. It doesn't help anyone to get angry. Anger hurts whoever is angry. It burns. Anger ruins relationships, causes heartache and regret, and devastates health.
And yet, in spite of all of these facts, when we are angry it feels right.
Somehow, in some unseen way, anger proves to whoever is experiencing its heated feelings that he or she is right even though, in the eyes of reality, nothing could be further from the truth. The same scenario holds true of worry, anxiety, resentment, doubt, guilt or any dark feeling. How can something so wrong seem so right? Here is the answer. All of these negative emotions feel like they are in your best interest because, at the time of their intrusion into your life, they temporarily fill you with a powerful false sense of self.
However, this sense of self born out of fierce but lying feelings can only exist without your conscious consent or awareness of its being there. Why? Because this negative-self's interests are not in your best interest. This conjured-up temporary identity is nothing but a self-of-suffering. No one chooses to lose.
This lesson may seem difficult at first, but with your persistent wish to understand it, you will one day wonder how you were ever tricked into feeling bad about anything.
The Truth wants you to know that it is never in your best interest to suffer, no matter how inwardly convincing it may feel to you that you will be betraying yourself or someone else if you don't. The only way that any suffering feeling can prove to you that you need it is to hypnotize you with a flood of itself. Step back from yourself.
Learn instead to listen to the quiet stream of higher insight that runs softly through your true nature. It sees through sorrow. Let it show you that suffering proves nothing. If you want to receive some special help for helping yourself escape yourself, always remember to ask yourself this key question: "If I am doing what I want to do, then how come it hurts me to do it?"
The Truth guarantees you will stop doing what you don't want to do once you know what you have been doing against yourself.
Here are five powerful ways to snap the spell of suffering. As you read over each one, think about how you can use its insight the next time you are about to be washed by any flood of painful thoughts or feelings.
Welcome their higher influence into your life.
1.Suffering doesn't prove that you are responsible. What it does prove is that you have abandoned true self-responsibility, or you wouldn't treat yourself so badly.
2.Suffering doesn't prove that you are important. What it does prove is that you would rather feel like a "someone" who is miserable than be a "no one" who is free and quietly happy.
3.Suffering doesn't prove that you are all alone in life. What it does prove is that you prefer the company of unfriendly thoughts and feelings whose very nature is to isolate you from everything good.
4.Suffering doesn't prove that someone else is wrong. What it does prove is that you will go to any lengths, including self-destruction, to prove that you are right.
5.Suffering over your suffering doesn't prove that you want to stop suffering. What it does prove is you are afraid of the end of suffering because you think the end of it means the end of you. It does not.
You do not have to accept any inner-condition that compromises your happiness.
It is never right to feel wrong no matter how right you may think you are to be feeling that way.
Feeling one way and thinking another is what it means to live in conflict. Self-conflict is really the only suffering there is; therefore, self-unity is the only real solution that can snap the spell of self-suffering.
Here is an exercise to help you take the first step up and away from self-punishing feelings. This exercise is called: Is This What I Really Want?
The next time you catch yourself starting to feel bad about anything, immediately stop everything you are doing for a moment and, as simply and as honestly as you can, ask yourself: Is this what I really want? Try to see the whole self-picture as it is unfolding. You will discover that your thoughts are convinced that you must proceed in their direction of guilt, worry, revenge, or fear but you are the one who is feeling bad. These self-betraying thoughts are like a friend who invites you out to a pleasant evening at the fights and then you find yourself in the ring as the main event! I repeat, you do not have to accept any condition that compromises your happiness.
You can and must inwardly say to any conflicting thoughts or feelings that, "You are not what I want!" The clearer this whole picture becomes to you -- that suffering is stupid and must never be justified -- the stronger your right self-assertion for self-unity will become. A whole life is a happy one. Choose to have a happy life by choosing what you really want.
This article is excerpted from The Secret of Letting Go (pages 134-138.)
by Guy Finley
Key Lesson: Feeling guilt over what we regret about ourselves makes sense only to a mind that believes soaking in a mud bath is the best way to get clean!
Step Up and Away from Punishing Feelings
No one really wants to talk about it, but the truth is there is a kind of evil spell hanging over each of us and our world as well. In fact, part of this global spell is our denial of its existence. It is called suffering.
Everyone does it -- believing that their suffering somehow benefits them.
That's how the spell works. Why else would anyone punish himself with unhappy feelings unless he had been tricked into somehow perceiving self-hurt as self-help?
Let's examine one of these instances.
First of all, to be angry is to suffer. It doesn't help anyone to get angry. Anger hurts whoever is angry. It burns. Anger ruins relationships, causes heartache and regret, and devastates health.
And yet, in spite of all of these facts, when we are angry it feels right.
Somehow, in some unseen way, anger proves to whoever is experiencing its heated feelings that he or she is right even though, in the eyes of reality, nothing could be further from the truth. The same scenario holds true of worry, anxiety, resentment, doubt, guilt or any dark feeling. How can something so wrong seem so right? Here is the answer. All of these negative emotions feel like they are in your best interest because, at the time of their intrusion into your life, they temporarily fill you with a powerful false sense of self.
However, this sense of self born out of fierce but lying feelings can only exist without your conscious consent or awareness of its being there. Why? Because this negative-self's interests are not in your best interest. This conjured-up temporary identity is nothing but a self-of-suffering. No one chooses to lose.
This lesson may seem difficult at first, but with your persistent wish to understand it, you will one day wonder how you were ever tricked into feeling bad about anything.
The Truth wants you to know that it is never in your best interest to suffer, no matter how inwardly convincing it may feel to you that you will be betraying yourself or someone else if you don't. The only way that any suffering feeling can prove to you that you need it is to hypnotize you with a flood of itself. Step back from yourself.
Learn instead to listen to the quiet stream of higher insight that runs softly through your true nature. It sees through sorrow. Let it show you that suffering proves nothing. If you want to receive some special help for helping yourself escape yourself, always remember to ask yourself this key question: "If I am doing what I want to do, then how come it hurts me to do it?"
The Truth guarantees you will stop doing what you don't want to do once you know what you have been doing against yourself.
Here are five powerful ways to snap the spell of suffering. As you read over each one, think about how you can use its insight the next time you are about to be washed by any flood of painful thoughts or feelings.
Welcome their higher influence into your life.
1.Suffering doesn't prove that you are responsible. What it does prove is that you have abandoned true self-responsibility, or you wouldn't treat yourself so badly.
2.Suffering doesn't prove that you are important. What it does prove is that you would rather feel like a "someone" who is miserable than be a "no one" who is free and quietly happy.
3.Suffering doesn't prove that you are all alone in life. What it does prove is that you prefer the company of unfriendly thoughts and feelings whose very nature is to isolate you from everything good.
4.Suffering doesn't prove that someone else is wrong. What it does prove is that you will go to any lengths, including self-destruction, to prove that you are right.
5.Suffering over your suffering doesn't prove that you want to stop suffering. What it does prove is you are afraid of the end of suffering because you think the end of it means the end of you. It does not.
You do not have to accept any inner-condition that compromises your happiness.
It is never right to feel wrong no matter how right you may think you are to be feeling that way.
Feeling one way and thinking another is what it means to live in conflict. Self-conflict is really the only suffering there is; therefore, self-unity is the only real solution that can snap the spell of self-suffering.
Here is an exercise to help you take the first step up and away from self-punishing feelings. This exercise is called: Is This What I Really Want?
The next time you catch yourself starting to feel bad about anything, immediately stop everything you are doing for a moment and, as simply and as honestly as you can, ask yourself: Is this what I really want? Try to see the whole self-picture as it is unfolding. You will discover that your thoughts are convinced that you must proceed in their direction of guilt, worry, revenge, or fear but you are the one who is feeling bad. These self-betraying thoughts are like a friend who invites you out to a pleasant evening at the fights and then you find yourself in the ring as the main event! I repeat, you do not have to accept any condition that compromises your happiness.
You can and must inwardly say to any conflicting thoughts or feelings that, "You are not what I want!" The clearer this whole picture becomes to you -- that suffering is stupid and must never be justified -- the stronger your right self-assertion for self-unity will become. A whole life is a happy one. Choose to have a happy life by choosing what you really want.
This article is excerpted from The Secret of Letting Go (pages 134-138.)
what is a blog anyway?
A blog (a blend of the term web log)[1] is a type of website or part of a website.
Blogs are usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.
Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order. Blog can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.
Most blogs are interactive, allowing visitors to leave comments and even message each other via widgets on the blogs and it is this interactivity that distinguishes them from other static websites.[2]
Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries.
A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, Web pages, and other media related to its topic.
The ability of readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of many blogs.
Most blogs are primarily textual, although some focus on art (Art blog), photographs (photoblog), videos (video blogging), music (MP3 blog), and audio (podcasting).
Microblogging is another type of blogging, featuring very short posts.
from WIKIpedia.
Blogs are usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.
Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order. Blog can also be used as a verb, meaning to maintain or add content to a blog.
Most blogs are interactive, allowing visitors to leave comments and even message each other via widgets on the blogs and it is this interactivity that distinguishes them from other static websites.[2]
Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries.
A typical blog combines text, images, and links to other blogs, Web pages, and other media related to its topic.
The ability of readers to leave comments in an interactive format is an important part of many blogs.
Most blogs are primarily textual, although some focus on art (Art blog), photographs (photoblog), videos (video blogging), music (MP3 blog), and audio (podcasting).
Microblogging is another type of blogging, featuring very short posts.
from WIKIpedia.
Friends are important
Friends are a pretty important part of most people's lives. Research shows that having quality relationships increases your likelihood of being happy - so it's good for your happiness to be a great friend and to have a group of close friends surrounding you too.
A good friend might be someone who's there to provide support when times are tough, or someone you can rely on to celebrate a special moment with you.
You might see them every day, once a year, or less. You might hardly see them at all but instead keep in touch via telephone, email, or online.
Friends might come and go in your life, they might make you laugh and cry, but most importantly of all they love you for who you are. It doesn't matter what a person looks like or what kind of clothes they wear, but it's what's on the inside that counts. It's the actions they take, no matter how big or small, to show you how much of a good friend they are, and being there for you no matter what, even when things are incredibly important!
What is a good friend?
This is how a number of young people responded when asked "What makes a good friend?"
1. someone who will support you no matter what.
2. someone you can trust and who won't judge you.
3. someone who won't put you down or deliberately hurt your feelings, but will show kindness and respect.
4. someone who will love you not because they feel they have to because you're their friend, but because they choose to.
5. someone whose company you enjoy and whose loyalty you can depend upon.
6. someone who will be there no matter what your situation is.
7. someone who is trustworthy and not afraid to tell you the truth, no matter how hard it is sometimes.
8. someone who can laugh when you laugh.
9. someone who will stick around when things get rough.
10. someone who makes you smile.
11. someone who can accept you for who you are, and just lend you an ear when you need to whine or complain.
12. someone who will cry when you cry.
13. someone who will give you room to change.
Being there for a friend-
Friendships are probably some of the most important relationships you will have in your life. Many of your favourite memories are likely to include times you have spent with friends. Friends are possibly the people who keep you sane (although they can sometimes drive you mad as well!).
Friendships can be hard work sometimes, especially when your good friend is going through a tough time or is just feeling down. Not knowing what to do, or what to say can be hard, frustrating, and emotionally challenging. However, just by thinking about what you can do to make them feel better, shows that you are a good friend. So how can you be there for a friend in need?
Listen - Never underestimate the importance of listening. One of the important parts of listening is trying to understand the situation from your friend's point of view. If you aim to do this you'll find you'll ask the right sort of questions and they'll appreciate having someone who truly cares about how they feel.
From that point on you will probably feel more comfortable talking through possible solutions to your friend's situation with them, if they want to. Don't assume your friend wants advice - sometimes they may simply want someone to listen to what they're going through, and to work out what they're going to do themselves.
If it gets out of your depth, or you feel that you can't cope, say so, and offer alternatives such as seeing a professional, and offer to be there to support them.
Check out the fact sheets in the Who can help you section for more info on the types of help out there.
Get the facts - If your friend has a medical condition or mental illness, a good way to offer support would be for you to learn about what your friend has been diagnosed with. This simple action shows that you care and that you are not going to run away because your friend's situation has changed. This will let them know that you like them for who they are.
Another good step is seeing whether there are support groups in your local areas and suggest coming along with your friend.
Give your friend a hug - A simple gesture such as a hug or a smile can show your friend that they are not alone and that you are there for them.
Be willing to make a tough call - If you think a friend is displaying a serious risk to their personal safety, you may need to act without their consent. No matter how hard it can be or if you are worried about your friend's reaction, just remember it's because you care about them and you don't want them to be hurt.
Depending on the situation, you may need to seek outside help; whether it's a teacher, counsellor, Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800 - free call from a landline) or Lifeline (13 11 14 - cost of local call from a landline), a family member or another adult.
Let your friend know you care - You might want to write a letter or a poem addressed to your friend, showing how special they are to you and no matter how tough things get; that you will be there for them because that's the importance of friendship.
Keep in touch - If you can't physically be with your friend when in need; think about sending an email, chatting on MSN or a quick phone call or sms; to show that you are there for them.
Check out ReachOut.com - You may also find it helpful to look through some other Reach Out fact sheets and stories, and show these to your friend. Stories on the site are inspiring and reinforce that your friend is not alone and that no matter how dark that tunnel looks there is light at the other end.
Jump onto the Reach Out Forums - It may be helpful for you and/or your friend to jump on the Reach Out Online Community and to chat to other young people who have had similar experiences and find out how to get through it.
Looking after yourself
Being a good friend is important, but before you can be a good friend it's important to look after your own well being as well. Supporting a friend through tough periods can place pressure on you, and it may help to talk with someone about it. This might be a teacher, school counsellor, family member or another adult.
http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/what-is-a-good-friend
A good friend might be someone who's there to provide support when times are tough, or someone you can rely on to celebrate a special moment with you.
You might see them every day, once a year, or less. You might hardly see them at all but instead keep in touch via telephone, email, or online.
Friends might come and go in your life, they might make you laugh and cry, but most importantly of all they love you for who you are. It doesn't matter what a person looks like or what kind of clothes they wear, but it's what's on the inside that counts. It's the actions they take, no matter how big or small, to show you how much of a good friend they are, and being there for you no matter what, even when things are incredibly important!
What is a good friend?
This is how a number of young people responded when asked "What makes a good friend?"
1. someone who will support you no matter what.
2. someone you can trust and who won't judge you.
3. someone who won't put you down or deliberately hurt your feelings, but will show kindness and respect.
4. someone who will love you not because they feel they have to because you're their friend, but because they choose to.
5. someone whose company you enjoy and whose loyalty you can depend upon.
6. someone who will be there no matter what your situation is.
7. someone who is trustworthy and not afraid to tell you the truth, no matter how hard it is sometimes.
8. someone who can laugh when you laugh.
9. someone who will stick around when things get rough.
10. someone who makes you smile.
11. someone who can accept you for who you are, and just lend you an ear when you need to whine or complain.
12. someone who will cry when you cry.
13. someone who will give you room to change.
Being there for a friend-
Friendships are probably some of the most important relationships you will have in your life. Many of your favourite memories are likely to include times you have spent with friends. Friends are possibly the people who keep you sane (although they can sometimes drive you mad as well!).
Friendships can be hard work sometimes, especially when your good friend is going through a tough time or is just feeling down. Not knowing what to do, or what to say can be hard, frustrating, and emotionally challenging. However, just by thinking about what you can do to make them feel better, shows that you are a good friend. So how can you be there for a friend in need?
Listen - Never underestimate the importance of listening. One of the important parts of listening is trying to understand the situation from your friend's point of view. If you aim to do this you'll find you'll ask the right sort of questions and they'll appreciate having someone who truly cares about how they feel.
From that point on you will probably feel more comfortable talking through possible solutions to your friend's situation with them, if they want to. Don't assume your friend wants advice - sometimes they may simply want someone to listen to what they're going through, and to work out what they're going to do themselves.
If it gets out of your depth, or you feel that you can't cope, say so, and offer alternatives such as seeing a professional, and offer to be there to support them.
Check out the fact sheets in the Who can help you section for more info on the types of help out there.
Get the facts - If your friend has a medical condition or mental illness, a good way to offer support would be for you to learn about what your friend has been diagnosed with. This simple action shows that you care and that you are not going to run away because your friend's situation has changed. This will let them know that you like them for who they are.
Another good step is seeing whether there are support groups in your local areas and suggest coming along with your friend.
Give your friend a hug - A simple gesture such as a hug or a smile can show your friend that they are not alone and that you are there for them.
Be willing to make a tough call - If you think a friend is displaying a serious risk to their personal safety, you may need to act without their consent. No matter how hard it can be or if you are worried about your friend's reaction, just remember it's because you care about them and you don't want them to be hurt.
Depending on the situation, you may need to seek outside help; whether it's a teacher, counsellor, Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800 - free call from a landline) or Lifeline (13 11 14 - cost of local call from a landline), a family member or another adult.
Let your friend know you care - You might want to write a letter or a poem addressed to your friend, showing how special they are to you and no matter how tough things get; that you will be there for them because that's the importance of friendship.
Keep in touch - If you can't physically be with your friend when in need; think about sending an email, chatting on MSN or a quick phone call or sms; to show that you are there for them.
Check out ReachOut.com - You may also find it helpful to look through some other Reach Out fact sheets and stories, and show these to your friend. Stories on the site are inspiring and reinforce that your friend is not alone and that no matter how dark that tunnel looks there is light at the other end.
Jump onto the Reach Out Forums - It may be helpful for you and/or your friend to jump on the Reach Out Online Community and to chat to other young people who have had similar experiences and find out how to get through it.
Looking after yourself
Being a good friend is important, but before you can be a good friend it's important to look after your own well being as well. Supporting a friend through tough periods can place pressure on you, and it may help to talk with someone about it. This might be a teacher, school counsellor, family member or another adult.
http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/what-is-a-good-friend
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